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Showing posts from 2014

Feels

The feels are tremendous today. Came home on the wrong side of 12pm and I'm not happy. I'm actually pissed. I don't have a single cent in my wallet when I got home and I didn't even get laid last night. Granted, I slept naked beside a naked woman, but despite that I'd have rather painted a goddamn scale model last night. Even if I did score last night, I'll probably bitch as much as I am now.

Things are changing and has changed dramatically this year. My tolerance for the uncalled for and the useless (to my liking) has been taken to the chopping board of things to change for the better. Although the past few days included partying and drinking till 4am, none of these experiences registered as "I miss this " and has instead landed at the doorstep of "fvckn hate getting into these situations".

It fuels the embers of frustration deep within me. I know that I suffer now in order to permanently correct the things that have been inherently wrong w…

Its Going Gown

So ive downloaded this new app called Tinder and frankly, its freaking me out.

I dont know how I should react to this dating app but what i'm sure of is that it makes me nervous just to say hi on the message board.

Its not like the girls that swiped right are the exactly the girls I like, I just found them cuter than the hordes of other girls i've swiped left...

Some things never change for me. I truly still am a torpe kind of guy. I really don't know what to say and i'd rather think or write about this moment than to actually just simply say hi.

I also don't know where i want this to lead to. Sure, it might be interesting for me to meet new people this way but the newness of this method kinda overwhelms me still.

Should I wait for them to message me instead as my friend recommends? Should I wait awhile before I message away? Should I practice saying hi to girls I don't mind not getting to know so I have a bit of small talk experience when I chance on the rig…

Roundabout

It’s the things we do not see that truly begs the question.

What makes a person tick, for example. I for one have always been fascinated by this. It may be because as a former actor, my old job required me to understand and identify emotion to bring forth to an audience. This curiosity made me always want to decipher peoples' minds ever further and deeper.

For example, how does a painter or a sketch artist arrive at the composition of his or her artwork? What were the parameters in choosing the design and concept of the work in the first place? Is the work based on a personal experience? Is it an image in their minds eye that they wish to bring forth via pencil and paper? Why that particular scene?

I grew up surrounded by creatives and have been blessed to call one of the country's premier artists of all time as grandfather. Furthermore, my uncles, aunt, cousins and siblings express art in their own unique ways. I do, to a certain degree, possess the same innate skill of sketchin…

Reboot

I miss my simple, silly old life. I need a reboot. I've been chasing after goals and expectations that's wearing me down right about now. Not that these changes are bad per se, its just that I barely remember why i'm going through this transformation in the first place.

It started with a girl, as with most overhauls. Pero ang tagal narin nun. I've moved on for sure. I don't want a rerun of that experience hence the upgrades and the whatnot's.

So what has changed since then? Now i'm fully committed financially to rebuilding an iconic japanese vintage sports car. I've finally cracked the dry spell of non-tvc-ing. Thanks also in part to new friends. It did help that i maintain a certain weight that registers better through the lens. In losing weight, visually and physically I've never felt this confident in a very long time. Aside from the self imposed pressure im experiencing now, i'd say its positive growth for me. I'm starting to fit the …

Chance

And we cross paths again.

Not entirely by accident, but not without the element of chance. I had hoped to see you. I hoped that you'd be where I knew you might go to...

As you weave through the crowd upon your arrival, on hopes confirmed: cheesy as hell, my heart was a-flutter!

I discreetly tell my friends that you've come. Predictably, I was panicked. All I could that time was measly "Hi". I hurriedly kissed your cheek. Cheek on cheek only. It happened so fast. Half a second later, I waved you the "see you around and about" salute. After that, like a ninja, I vanished! I blurred and blended with the visual noise of people and installations of that evening's occasion.

I glance at my friend, she wore an amused but with a virtual facepalm expression on her face. I wasn't sure if she saw how pathetic my opening move was! I was cringing at my wimpyness! My other friends gave me this disapproving glare that says: you and I don't fit. Aka - I'm n…

Sundazed

This tiny little infant in a blue and white polkadot dress was so cute and adorable. As me and my buddy wait for the sunlounger chairs to be vacated by the poolside, we were left with no other choice but to sit so close to this baby in all its cuteness.

And thats how it started.

Soon i was gazing into the 5 month old-ish toddler's eyes. She then started smiling and twisting her wrist as if she wanted a swig of beer. I had a can of red horse in hand. I mumbled these words to her: "nope, you're too young for this". She was engaging me with her baby laugh and pointed at my drink. She repeated her i-want-a-swig wrist gesture. This kid! I then tell my friend, "yo check out the baby..."

You know what, this darling little toddler was on to something! She gestured to my friend this time that she wanted to smoke what we smoked! My crazy friend gives the sign of approval. I tell baby "nope, dont listen to your uncle, youre too young for that...".

And she d…

Writing Review

My writing in review

I went through the entries I've written since the inception of my personal blog and I'm stunned by the volume of words i've pumped out since late December last year. (I have yet to master Nazi-ing with grammatical, composition and spelling errors... I do have the tendency to post then edit post-post)

Funny how events in your life can jolt you out of a comfort zone. Usually, the entries I make are strictly confidential. As it turns out, my gloriosity hungers for an audience other than myself. Embarrasing for me but true.

It couldn't be that this writing spree happened overnight too. In keeping with the theories found in the book - The tipping point - a series of seemingly insignificant, but related events have led to this moment - that you are reading something that is (now was) intended only for me.

Since my first EPIC global entry - douchie- i've noticed that my speed in writing has increased significantly. The douchebag entry took over six …

Insomia

I dream of proper sleep. Nowadays, it comes to me so randomly. When I need to, I can't. When I've had enough of it, I still look for more!

My relationship with sleep for a long time now has been either love or hate. I love to sleep as it's my favorite, blissful escape from the world that requires a lot of your time and attention. On the flip side, as you have more of it, you tend to become unproductive and useless to a society that constantly needs your care and participation.

And now at this exact moment, I can't. It eludes me. It's not that I don't want to sleep, it's more of: it's not happening right now.

The Friend Zone

A lot of people dread "the friend zone". This grey area of uncertainty leaves a lot of would be pursuers jaded, dazed and confused.

I certainly do not. I've learned along the way that it's one of the most rewarding, no-pressure, advantageous regions a guy (or girl) can be at. It's a challenge I gladly accept. I thrive in this zone.

I understand that most people hate this because their agendas are cut short prematurely. I say premature because in this day and age of instant gratification, if one doesn't get what they want immediately, it's simply - on to the next. This strategy may be OK, but it lacks the grace or the charm of the long play.

The Long Play
Think of long play as sexual tension foreplay. You see, in friendzone, there is always some sort of attraction going on. It may be one way or two way. Commitment may just be around the corner or needs time or effort to unravel. Keeping this in mind sets you, the "zoned", in the right perspective…

Friday Night

Friday Night

The monotonous humming of the ac motor fills the silence of this Friday night, a somewhat odd and rare occurrence in recent memory.

The darkness envelops my room with only this smartphone's screen and the single yellow led from the AC that gives this room it's play of dark and light.

My minds wanders in thought on what is there to write about? What of the others typically drowining themselves in beer and whiskey? And also of those steamily making furious and passionate love in the stealth and protection of a similar darkness? Of those who partake in snorting, ingesting and taking in other substances in pursuit of a perfect high.

I now join yet those others who choose to stay at home on a Friday night like this. As I retrospect, there really hasn't been much quiet Fridays like these in a long while. I begin to appreciate the freedom of choosing to be home than to rowd away among the social souls of vibrant manila.

There are no friends that need emotional savin…

Match

I'll admit, the first thing I noticed was how pretty you are. Your beautiful face and your sweet and cheerful smile comes to mind when I think about you.

Not that it's all I see of you. It may also be the way you carry yourself all too well. The way you brighten a room full of people or in the inaudible conversations you have with your friends that my captured mind finds intriguingly fascinating.

I continue to observe, musing to myself whether I should discover more about you or to simply keep my distance. My curiosity gets the best of me and I soon find myself trying to come up with a lame, hopefully casual, but nonetheless nerve-wracking approach just to be able to simply say hi.

And so I do. I blindly rush onto talking to you, suppressing the shyness inherent of me. I find myself trying to keep conversation light but engaging enough for you to say more than just hello. In perhaps your politeness, or some lucky twist of fate, the exchange of words turn out to be far bett…

Lazy days

Lazy days

Are some of my favorite days, I'm ashamed to admit. I indulge in it without a care in the world. Same clothes from the prior day. Optional toothbrushing and electricity-saving-darkness in the absence of light within the confines of my black hole of a room.

Passively participating in social media networks like twitter, instagram and facebook. Playing a casual game or two of Dota. Taking random cig breaks. Instant coffee.

The freedom to do nothing is a cherished gift indeed. With life's endless offerings, just to choose what to do becomes a boring chore to be honest. Bruno Mars made money on this too din't he? Did he come up with his chart topping song on a hectic busy day? I don't fvcking think so. In his state of money making brilliance he was alluding to this state of wanton disregard. More money for him to earn so he doesn't have to 9-5 like most folks.

Here's an idea I'd like to share with the haters of this day and to haters of the lazy in …

C'est la vie redux

There will always be critics.

And there will always be rainclouds, those who wish to ruin your parade. Can you stop them? I sure can't. So what else can I do?

And that's the mindset I choose to be in when faced with situations like that. I'd rather the question "what else can I do?" than to default to "life fvckin sucks". I'd rather face adversity and challenge with a fvck you twin dirty finger with a smug smirk on my face than to allow myself to sink into whatever shithole life throws at me.

We all experience bad days, bad situations, bad lots in life. What makes you or me different from the rest of the world then? Reality check: There is no difference between you and me. We deal with problems equally proportionate to what we can handle and it's a matter of how we handle the shit when it hits us.

I'd rather choose a cheery outlook any fvckin day than to fvckin mope and cry when bad days happen and we all know they do. The crying and emo…

C'est la vie

I'm fvckin drunk. What else should i say?

Recovery

Foreword

In a previous entry, I covered what a douche can be. At the time of writing that post, I was in knots about some incident that involved being rejected hence that post's uber-ly bitter flavor. Thankfully, this author was able to come to his senses and despite the messy and emotionally charged weeks after the incident, is able to kind of think clearly on what to do with that situation and what to do for the rest of the year.

Recovery

It's been  days since the "douchebag" blog entry. How different I feel now compared to how I was when I wrote that. Recovery has been remarkably good. Awesome comes to mind but it's a little to strong a word to describe it. It wasn't easy. I had to go through endless conversation with my network of friends that ranged from my vintage high school and college barkada, to tomboys, to celebs, to douches. The convo's were sappy and ugh, repetitive and mostly lame.

Bouncing back didn't come in one fell swoop in this case.…

I can be an asshole

I can be an asshole, I've always known that.

I grew up in an industry full of it. An industry full of themselves.

I started in this industry at the age of thirteen. At that time, I already knew I could get away with a lot of things simply by being part of this small world. Kids in this world would smoke, make out, buy whatever they want, stay up late, smoke up and drink. This was required to be part of the cool kids group. This is the peer pressure I had to grow up in. Of course I wanted to be part of the cool kids back then. But back then, I did not what they did. Back then, I did what other kids in school at that time did. Play street fighter and read comics.

I grew up with people's expectations of who I should be. Among normal friends they expected me to be doing the same crap industry kids were doing: sleeping around, partying, doing drugs BUT the top query was: who did I sleep with. I did not sleep with anyone at that time. I got laid a bit later in life.

For some odd rea…

I kinda understand it now: "In this world, being good holds us back from being great"

I kinda understand it now: "In this world, being good holds us back from being great"

Not that I agree with the above mindset. I just see now why a lot of people pursue what they do.

Being good limits what you can theoretically do. Being good has so much rules to follow.

#DELIKS

Sobra akong nadiskaril. Di naman nya kasalanan. Ginusto ko naman ito noon eh. Nakakafrustrate lang noon na wala lang pala sa kanya yun. Tinamaan lang ako talaga. Tinamaan ng lintek.

Gets ko naman, kanya kanyang trip lang naman sa buhay. Ang hassle lang yung pag di tumugma yung inaasahan mo, tapos ang malala pa, yung mga kinakatakot mo, yun pa yung mangyayari. Fvck.

Di naman sa hindi makamove on, may naka-date na nga eh. May mga chickakas na nga na na-meet at may mga umaaligid pa. Pang ego boost ba. Lalaki lang po ako, di santo.

May mga pinagkakaabalahan din naman ako ngayon. Trabaho, raket, pagbukas ng negosyo, restoration project, etchetera. Etchetera. Etchetera.

Eh, tangina, ang pogi ko naman. May kaya naman. Maayos ang pamilya. Mabango. Charming. Oks naman daw pagdating dun (confirmed) Taena, humble pa nga eh, promise! (bwhahaha) Kaya ganun nalang talaga ang pagkabwisit ko naman talaga. Pakshet!

Ang issue naman kasi ngayon, eh wala ako ni isang kusing ng inspirasyon. Yung tipong …

The Lowdown

My research is nearing its end.

The douchebaggery should not continue any further. (Except for panagbenga and labor day weekend haha) The results of this exploration may be repeatable and measureale, a cookie cutter strategy that may work for many types of guys.

It's not about if it's easy or difficult to do. Suffice to say it is doable. Some components just require time to practice and more resources than usual but the yields are the same.

This new world order is all about: confidence, first impressions, appearance, cunning, and closing.

Confidence
Before you could proceed with the other steps, one must have confidence mastered to a certain degree. This should at all times, be exuded whether you'd choose to be an introvert or extrovert at that moment. I put emphasize on how important the mastery of this is. It is the foundation, the source of strength. This actually is the magnet that draws girls torwards you. Anything you do or say in confidence leaves a lasting impress…

On moving on

Yet spells of melancholy randomly hits...
Its difficult to move on. It's not like you willfully chose to feel bad, unless you're a masochist of some sort, you wouldn't. You can’t say when it hits you. The feelings of desperation, anxiety, helplessness, stupidity and remorse just kicks in.
The trigger? A random memory I vaguely even remember. "Do you remember what you were doing last valentine’s day?" My friend asks, and as I try to recall, she tells me that that girl and I were together that day. And all of a sudden, I remembered. What I was wearing. What she was wearing. The people who were there and where it happened.  It wasn’t that big of a deal at that time. Sure, we shared the same space that evening, yet there was nothing romantic about that night. I've already liked this for a while, and I was just happy to spend that day with her and thankful to Christ I was able to do so. Nothing more.
Then why the hell am I feeling shit at this exact moment? Nak…

In facing defeat - 012914

Wednesday, January 29, 2014 at 4:10am


And I think like a goddamn chick about things like this.

I cant help it, I still refuse to turn. Even worse, the subject of my affection doesn't even care about whatever it was. I really don't have any option but to my relinquish my decisions to the hands of people around me.

So as I move forward, I should finally take the douche's understanding on what had transpired and leave it be. Unfortunately the world isn't the same as I have left it and the carnality it brings is just too much to for me to bear.

In all honesty, I have difficulty clinging to Christ to see me through this. My need to protect my notion "self" is overwhelming my thought processes right now and by doing so I head straight to the road of ruin.

My bearings are off. I need help. I am not handling things as well as I thought. I need to sleep and l should shake off any insecurities i am holding on to.

Good night self. Don't be too hard on yourself. Yo…

You dear

You dear,

I find myself writing and re-writing on what I wish to tell you. I'm glad that only this is what I truly wanted to say: I have experienced this elusive thing once before, and my truest intention then was to share and show you how real and moving it really is. I was lucky enough to be able to have expressed this once upon a time with no restrains, no pretensions and no expectations of it being returned yet it did. Notice that I had no regrets as to why and how things progressed "post moment". I did cringe many times (trust me) but yet I was compelled to share it. It was still pure and real when it was happening and I gave as much as I could, so at the very least you'd have an idea that despite what we both go through in the uniquely different lives we lead, that not all things beautiful are corrupted and lost.

Time changes things, thankfully it has for me as well. The pixie dust has settled. The rose colored specs have come off. The memories that linger do n…

You dear alternate version

Jan 27, 2014
You dear,

And the cold weather doesn't help either does it? ... :) Yet on some nights it helps you to cling tighter to something of tremendous value, oneself. In doing so, it helps you look deeper on what matters to you most, and I'm happy that you have arrived at your current conclusions. Your journey at this point is yours to take, I merely showed you that there are other options that you may have not considered before.

There is no propaganda as I write this. I wanted to talk to you for the longest time and truth be told these were the only things I wanted to say: That I just want us to be okay. I don't like the weirdness between us. I know how to manage expectations and I know that you know that. That's why you like me in the first place, among many other things diba? haha :) We could continue with the current charade but to what gain? Is it more fun this way than the previous version? Kasi mas trip ko yung dati.

Commitment is a big responsi…

Cheeseball Chronicles Sep 9, 2004

8/9/2004
Hi baby,
Hope this letter doesn’t strike you as an unpleasant surprise, it’s just that I can’t help but write you something as personal as this… It’s just a too damn sweet opportunity to pass up! :) Please bear with me on this one k?  Hehehe… :)
I just caught myself pacing the hallways of my house a few moments ago (9am), thinking, and dwelling on nothing but you. I found myself missing you immensely as if you were away for the longest time (but you were!). As much as I want to keep my thoughts contained, try as I may it just wouldn’t be the case.
Them stupid smirks, head shaking moments, grunts and hisses… only a few ridiculous reactions to the medley of thoughts regarding you. :) Laughing at how C-struck I’ve become, grossed out on the new heights of cheesiness I’ve attained, constantly reminding myself to take it easy, keep my cool, and play it smart yet… you’re already reading this parody of a “love-letter” aren’t you?  
I find myself part amused, part amazed and completely…

...In the end the douche indeed gets what he wants. how truly puke worthy...

I've always hated how this system works with a fvckn passion.

I've observed this phenomenon for a very long time now and I am about to give up in finding a solution for this mess.

You see, I've never been a fan of douches since time immemorial, I don't think anyone consciously does. Unfortunately, for some fvckn reason, a douche ultimately gets what he wants and completes his dirty mission by doing the wrong things right.

I am bitter about this as I've been both the offender and the victim of this cruel, cruel principle.

By default, I am a true-to-the-core-classic-stereotypical-hopeless-romantic. I grew up in a family with relatively good moral standing. None of my uncles and aunts, nor my mom and dad, have had problems with infidelity. My mom, despite my dad's condition (stroke with fits of rage and anger), loves him with a classic filipina's devotion. My lolo, a very famous filipino painter, despite his parkinson's and alzheimer's desease, would n…

be-friend explore pursue commit

Hey...

What's been up? I hope whatever's written here won't be lost in translation...

Wish i could say that i was glad to see you last night but you seemed so different from how i know you from the past year at least. To be honest, im still mindfvckd about what has happened and i'd rather not draw any conclusion as to why things are so... what is apparent is that you're going through issues of sorts... yolo-ing is a tell-tale sign of it... Seeing the way you were last night makes it convenient for most other guys to just choose to walk away. As much as good counsel from trusted friends for me to just stop and drop it from my end altogether, some pieces of that move just doesn't fit. I don't enjoy shooting myself in the foot for telling you all this, but i'd rather let you know than not even say.

Sure, there are many factors involved as to why things might be the way it is now: (out of order) fame, age, timing, disposition, social rules, intention, interpre…

Cheeseball Chronicles May 26, 2004

May 26, 2004
I can only…
I can only ask you out, but never ask you to like me A nudge perhaps to look my way, but not too much for you to sway Wish I might to tilt you to me, I can’t, I shouldn’t For not even The God of Love did, so why should I
A moment spent with you, remains a simple yet profound joy A selfish yet childlike wanting, to have more… so much more But to have more, remains another story For to have Love without it freely given, would be childish
A serious want, to give so much more It pains, it really does, to withhold real Love To let loose such a love and expect the same Would never be real Love wouldn’t it?
A tear shed would gladly suffice, to humbly remain silent Hopeful but silent that you gravitate to me Without contempt nor pity, not of what I show but what you see I gladly wager love for this, rather than have anything else…
For I Believe that a love that is true should simply fall into place That to meddle with the affairs of Love is to discount what love is Its purpose lost, i…