Feels

The feels are tremendous today. Came home on the wrong side of 12pm and I'm not happy. I'm actually pissed. I don't have a single cent in my wallet when I got home and I didn't even get laid last night. Granted, I slept naked beside a naked woman, but despite that I'd have rather painted a goddamn scale model last night. Even if I did score last night, I'll probably bitch as much as I am now.

Things are changing and has changed dramatically this year. My tolerance for the uncalled for and the useless (to my liking) has been taken to the chopping board of things to change for the better. Although the past few days included partying and drinking till 4am, none of these experiences registered as "I miss this " and has instead landed at the doorstep of "fvckn hate getting into these situations".

It fuels the embers of frustration deep within me. I know that I suffer now in order to permanently correct the things that have been inherently wrong with me.  According to what others say of me and of what I think of about myself.

I am close to how I was four years ago.  Alone.  In deep rebuild mode.  The difference from then and now is,  my empire isn't in shambles and my dreams are still intact.  Not completely.  They're not even shadows of what I was fighting for back then.

Alone in the sense that I have closed my doors to the outside world, Toiling away at lofty goals my head dictates as worthy. It prioritizes compartmentalized projects with a short time frame.  It is finishing off projects that have to be finished.  It does not entertain ideas of love,  romance or any other similar pursuit.  It does however highly regard the pureness of a pursuit: if it is in line with who I really am or what really piques my interests. My interests are weird.  I don't need to socialize to fulfill my interests.  I am alone in this.  So alone.

There are no "by the time I hit xx age I should be/have/have done" attachments to my current disposition.  It truly is an internal housekeeping and reorganization process that's going on in this new Ritalin empowered regime.  This true limitless inducing drug has reawakened my old desire and drive to be the best.  Period.  Unfortunately,  it dictates that I should cut off the things/people/endeavors that I use to like : drinking,  random conversation,  babaw trips etc...  All in the name of ruthless efficiency and remarkable achievement.

It's . ..  Um...  Difficult to put a finger what I want the outcome of this....  Not the outcome per se. Hmmm....  On the one hand I really am becoming the best that I've been in a very long time.  At the same time,  by pushing others away,  I am alone in this pursuit.  I don't have anyone to share my successes with.  I don't have anyone I'd like to share them to.  Granted my family and friends see the changes that are good and great,  but at the same time,  they are concerned at how miserable I can be when I'm in this state.

I've been wanting to cry about this.  I don't know how or why I can't.  I stare at the blinking cursor,  hoping I can add more detail to this...  Whatever this feeling is.  And despite digging deep to try to answer this for a while now...  The answer continues to elude me.

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