Showing posts from January, 2014

In facing defeat - 012914

Wednesday, January 29, 2014 at 4:10am

And I think like a goddamn chick about things like this.

I cant help it, I still refuse to turn. Even worse, the subject of my affection doesn't even care about whatever it was. I really don't have any option but to my relinquish my decisions to the hands of people around me.

So as I move forward, I should finally take the douche's understanding on what had transpired and leave it be. Unfortunately the world isn't the same as I have left it and the carnality it brings is just too much to for me to bear.

In all honesty, I have difficulty clinging to Christ to see me through this. My need to protect my notion "self" is overwhelming my thought processes right now and by doing so I head straight to the road of ruin.

My bearings are off. I need help. I am not handling things as well as I thought. I need to sleep and l should shake off any insecurities i am holding on to.

Good night self. Don't be too hard on yourself. Yo…

You dear

You dear,

I find myself writing and re-writing on what I wish to tell you. I'm glad that only this is what I truly wanted to say: I have experienced this elusive thing once before, and my truest intention then was to share and show you how real and moving it really is. I was lucky enough to be able to have expressed this once upon a time with no restrains, no pretensions and no expectations of it being returned yet it did. Notice that I had no regrets as to why and how things progressed "post moment". I did cringe many times (trust me) but yet I was compelled to share it. It was still pure and real when it was happening and I gave as much as I could, so at the very least you'd have an idea that despite what we both go through in the uniquely different lives we lead, that not all things beautiful are corrupted and lost.

Time changes things, thankfully it has for me as well. The pixie dust has settled. The rose colored specs have come off. The memories that linger do n…

You dear alternate version

Jan 27, 2014
You dear,

And the cold weather doesn't help either does it? ... :) Yet on some nights it helps you to cling tighter to something of tremendous value, oneself. In doing so, it helps you look deeper on what matters to you most, and I'm happy that you have arrived at your current conclusions. Your journey at this point is yours to take, I merely showed you that there are other options that you may have not considered before.

There is no propaganda as I write this. I wanted to talk to you for the longest time and truth be told these were the only things I wanted to say: That I just want us to be okay. I don't like the weirdness between us. I know how to manage expectations and I know that you know that. That's why you like me in the first place, among many other things diba? haha :) We could continue with the current charade but to what gain? Is it more fun this way than the previous version? Kasi mas trip ko yung dati.

Commitment is a big responsi…

Cheeseball Chronicles Sep 9, 2004

Hi baby,
Hope this letter doesn’t strike you as an unpleasant surprise, it’s just that I can’t help but write you something as personal as this… It’s just a too damn sweet opportunity to pass up! :) Please bear with me on this one k?  Hehehe… :)
I just caught myself pacing the hallways of my house a few moments ago (9am), thinking, and dwelling on nothing but you. I found myself missing you immensely as if you were away for the longest time (but you were!). As much as I want to keep my thoughts contained, try as I may it just wouldn’t be the case.
Them stupid smirks, head shaking moments, grunts and hisses… only a few ridiculous reactions to the medley of thoughts regarding you. :) Laughing at how C-struck I’ve become, grossed out on the new heights of cheesiness I’ve attained, constantly reminding myself to take it easy, keep my cool, and play it smart yet… you’re already reading this parody of a “love-letter” aren’t you?  
I find myself part amused, part amazed and completely…

...In the end the douche indeed gets what he wants. how truly puke worthy...

I've always hated how this system works with a fvckn passion.

I've observed this phenomenon for a very long time now and I am about to give up in finding a solution for this mess.

You see, I've never been a fan of douches since time immemorial, I don't think anyone consciously does. Unfortunately, for some fvckn reason, a douche ultimately gets what he wants and completes his dirty mission by doing the wrong things right.

I am bitter about this as I've been both the offender and the victim of this cruel, cruel principle.

By default, I am a true-to-the-core-classic-stereotypical-hopeless-romantic. I grew up in a family with relatively good moral standing. None of my uncles and aunts, nor my mom and dad, have had problems with infidelity. My mom, despite my dad's condition (stroke with fits of rage and anger), loves him with a classic filipina's devotion. My lolo, a very famous filipino painter, despite his parkinson's and alzheimer's desease, would n…

be-friend explore pursue commit


What's been up? I hope whatever's written here won't be lost in translation...

Wish i could say that i was glad to see you last night but you seemed so different from how i know you from the past year at least. To be honest, im still mindfvckd about what has happened and i'd rather not draw any conclusion as to why things are so... what is apparent is that you're going through issues of sorts... yolo-ing is a tell-tale sign of it... Seeing the way you were last night makes it convenient for most other guys to just choose to walk away. As much as good counsel from trusted friends for me to just stop and drop it from my end altogether, some pieces of that move just doesn't fit. I don't enjoy shooting myself in the foot for telling you all this, but i'd rather let you know than not even say.

Sure, there are many factors involved as to why things might be the way it is now: (out of order) fame, age, timing, disposition, social rules, intention, interpre…

Cheeseball Chronicles May 26, 2004

May 26, 2004
I can only…
I can only ask you out, but never ask you to like me A nudge perhaps to look my way, but not too much for you to sway Wish I might to tilt you to me, I can’t, I shouldn’t For not even The God of Love did, so why should I
A moment spent with you, remains a simple yet profound joy A selfish yet childlike wanting, to have more… so much more But to have more, remains another story For to have Love without it freely given, would be childish
A serious want, to give so much more It pains, it really does, to withhold real Love To let loose such a love and expect the same Would never be real Love wouldn’t it?
A tear shed would gladly suffice, to humbly remain silent Hopeful but silent that you gravitate to me Without contempt nor pity, not of what I show but what you see I gladly wager love for this, rather than have anything else…
For I Believe that a love that is true should simply fall into place That to meddle with the affairs of Love is to discount what love is Its purpose lost, i…