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Life without meaning

It's a most painful thought to have as your own.

Deep inescapable pain was once the apex of this dangerous feeling but now that it has stopped raging, lobotomized nothing simply remains.

What empty existence this is. Passionate pursuits dashed and destroyed. Carcass of failures piled sky high, one atop the other.

Revisiting the horrors of these memories to try to learn to undue the mistakes made is so perilous as it triggers a relapse of depression, anxiety, remorse and guilt.

Some things you rise above from, some you have to learn to forget.

And forget it has been. For the heart that once fought so fiercely and passionately cannot continue it's valiant but futile pursuit.

Without heart, what then is left to pursue?

I'm writing again

Signs of life. Life I'm tbh not grateful for. But I am. Hollow but alive.

The bitter christian

Welcome to my comedy show, the bitter christian. That's meee!

So, may mga born again christian ba dito? Ccf? Gcf? Victory? Praise God. *lights cig* O, bakit ganyan reaction nyo? Di naman kayo born again diba? You will go to hell.

Narinig nyo naman yung John 3:16 diba? Bat di kayo nanampalataya? *raises cig for effect* eto? Nakaquit na nga ako 6 months nag backslide lang ako. Besides saved na ako. Christian pa rin ako pero iba-iba ang yokes na we carry. Eto yung akin. At least eto lang, sana wag pa madagdagan. Lord I'm waiting for help parin give me the strength ulit.

Eh yung iba nga jan eh huma hashtag blezzed sponsored naman yung gamit. Di lang LV Balenciaga for the gerls, pati rubber shuz yezzy sponsored rin ng mga bise, foul - counted.

Pogi ako. Wala naman chicks. Wala akong God's best. Sa kasamaang palad, speaking of which palad. The left. Yung pinang shake hands ko kanina sayo sorry naman. Pag christian, hassle yan kasi ang iPhone mo sigurado may bible app pero may…

Other foot forward

Holding back with walking with her to her car. A casual salute instead of a lingering beso to say goodbye. Less charming jokes. Less complementing how gorgeous she truly looks.

It's natural for any species to put on their best foot forward. To appear far more dangerous, a cobra extends neck flaps while rising high above ground. A peacock fans it's tail feathers to dazzle its potential mate. A douchebag acts as if he cares so he can sleaze his way into damp panties. Such is the evolutionary world. Our survival depends on it.

Yet the species with far more advanced language, it's female branch, regularly complain about being duped by this spectacle of best foot forward. Their words form menacing sentences describing to their co females how deviously toyed with they were. They rant that had they known yada yada yada... They wouldn't have yada yada yada.... Mostly panties related conversations.

If the premise that we as a species have advanced far beyond our primitive anc…

Tick tock

My lower legs are tight and sore. So are my forearms. My back feels a bit stiff and constantly nags for it be stretched. Went to my "dojo" for Tues Muay Thai class only to find out that the schedules have changed since January. An hour later I'm practicing Jiu jitsu. I'm wearing a liga basketball jersey and fvckn board shorts. 6 of them in Gi's. Nearly pulled an armbar against my spar mate though. Bwhahahaha!

It's 3am and I've been in bed for at least 3 hours already. Funny how just the other day I slept at around 140ish because I was having a SMS convo about how I defeated insomnia years ago. My ego won a pissing contest that puts me to quick sleep. Dork. Haha.

Strategy 2 is to go with the "fvck it, don't sleep" till 4 or 5. Between picking up the sixaxis and hemingway-ing, trying to be intellihente, this piece of shit write up appears.

Dammit I'm still trying to understand why I can't sleep right now! There's no point in runni…

Mint

Reading through one's thoughts through digital pen and paper is um, perplex? ingly? different from my usual method of magical discovery via conversation. It's quite the surreal imagery of having your mind paint the words and recreate the stories from a first person perspective and then have that person squarely in front of your face.
I write too, obviously, but find it -ah, the word! -puzzling- to find the author of these raw musings, at a loss for words other than eg: "did I write that? Really, I went there na before?" Lapses by choice or something else?

Of course I did want to probe deeper via convo... But it felt that the prudent next step is to let things unravel on it's own. "Things" meaning... On second thought, means quite a lot, I suspect.

It's not a critique or an autolabel for something bad. Bad things happen to good people. It's really just that...

After the onset of one's birthday, taking the long stride isn't very fashionab…