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B&S

S - thanks for meeting up B - .... S - the last time was messy, and we both said our piece about it B - .... S - so how have you been? B - .... Busy, stressed.... What's this for ba? Actually I don't wanna talk to you anymore S___,  parang I don't even know you anymore. S - how you been these past few months ba? Happier? Better? Well, congratulations to your awards but, are you really where you wanna be? Are you happy? B - ano bang paki mo, wala na tayo S___. At this point nakakagulo ka lang sa buhay ko instead of helping. S - before all this, sino ba yung nanggulo? Was it me? You? Pause - S - just talked to my friend D___ recently, 3 months na sila break ng office thing nya. He wanted to throw away his family for that girl pero in the end, wala lang yun sa girl na yun yung kanila. So going back, he was so convinced about this girl but look where he is now. Unhappy and lost. S - told him what if his wife found out? Then he's super fucked. Right? He
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My kinked neck

No sexual innuendo with the word kinked, just to be clear. Base of my neck - right side - is hella tight. Had 3 consecutive days of drinking, latter 2 had smokes with it. I'm sober as I write this, but hours prior I was wired with my brain drug. Ritalin. My kind needs it daily to become a normies. Neurotypical. I'm totally in - to becoming one. My right knee has a kink as well. It's at the 9 o clock area if I'm facing you, dear reader. Yeah this is an old-age gripe entry at the very least. While I write this, I'm watching Netflix's supremely white-woman series Gypsy, I'm annoyed with the shallowness of the lead character's struggles. Despite her job as a therapist, she's so fvckn boxed in "that she's got her shit together" while the writers unravel her for N-series sake, episode to episode. I thought there was gonna be hot girl on girl action in there. Wala. And that's fine. And I wanna sleep already, need to be ready to
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Monarch

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I didn't cry today. It isn't an achievement. In fact, I'm bothered with the idea that I didn't. I fear that my memory of you fades when I don't. I think of you alot though, but the intensity of what we all lost... I don't want it to simply fade away. When I think about it, it's not the theoretical convos that I miss, nor the possible family trips that we'll have in the future that I'm sure we would've had. It's that word again - nangungulila. I miss having you around. I miss your infectious laughter, your larger-than-life kwentos, your gigil hits with baba and kikster and your dedication to your two giant boys, Jaims and Arch. Oh, I had my second dose today. Got sermoned thrice for misplacing my vaccinate card. Not entirely my fault ha, it's been a hectic past couple of days, you know that. And our first batch of SP orders are complete na. I was happy I'm in a good mood because of your encouragement. I'm happy we say a but
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A prayer

Thank you Lord for not allowing me to have this. To not allow me to win this for winning's sake. This isn't where You want me to be and if it didn't work out before with whatever I've been seeking, then there still is hope now. Thank you for letting me hear good news today. That change really does happen and You do show Your mighty hand to those that truly follow You. Thank You for blessing them. I felt blessed listening to all of the good and real changes You've affected in their lives. I pray that I receive the same blessings too. My stubborn and callous heart I offer to you. Help me cut the ties that bind me to sin. The memories of heartache, pain, betrayal, inadequacy, aimlessness - Lord I offer them to You. Jim Carrey did say that depression is our avatar's way of saying they are tired of playing his role. I certainly am but I am not surrendering this to the enemy. I surrender my being to you Father, through Jesus' intercession. I am hopeful Lo
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A death wish

So I ponder, as to why I think I'm so uniquely different from the souls I connect to. Even my best friend knows I go far deeper than others would. I'll be candid, melancholy is so familiar to me now that it leaves no words to eloquently describe it. "I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover. So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him. Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just t
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Why I bother

I've had a shitty, tiring, but productive day. I was able to focus on my project car, buy supplies, issue instructions etc. The week prior I just completed shooting for a TVC, our first video production finally got approved after years of getting this started and endless meetings to boot. My thoughts are constantly on making progress, moving forward, being a better person - ultimately a better boyfriend and a capable future husband and father. Yet none of these things matter to my significant other, so focused on me not appreciating every nuance and detail of her moody wildfire and stormy shifts that I have to expertly navigate through. Loose my cool and snap - we're fucked. She wants out. I imagine she thinks that when I notice her faults, its that I'm fault finding and zoning in on every mistake she makes in the relationship. Not the intention. Ever. And when she insists - I don't pursue - "suyo". I disregard her welfare, her emotional state, her wel
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Birthday

"Support lang naman kailangan ko sayo eh, ang badtrip na nga nang araw ko ang negavibes mo pa!" - then she starts sobbing. This is the replay mental image of my girlfriend running in my head while I try to ease her long day when her buyer/client pulls an annoying "I forgot the checks again" drama. Among other work related stresses which I have been a daily sounding board for. Point blank. Why do I put up with this? More importantly, I've been made to feel that despite me genuinely trying to help out, I'm the insensitive guy for keeping quiet, not showing my annoyance to her client. I should have been the more supportive "it's okay, at least you've gotten the checks..." Type of boyfriend she says. PS: before she stormed out of the car to meet her client, I wasn't even sure if he had the checks on hand or whatnot. In retrospect, I wasn't even 15 minute mongering whether he'd be there on time in which he was late still, but not
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