...In the end the douche indeed gets what he wants. how truly puke worthy...

I've always hated how this system works with a fvckn passion.

I've observed this phenomenon for a very long time now and I am about to give up in finding a solution for this mess.

You see, I've never been a fan of douches since time immemorial, I don't think anyone consciously does. Unfortunately, for some fvckn reason, a douche ultimately gets what he wants and completes his dirty mission by doing the wrong things right.

I am bitter about this as I've been both the offender and the victim of this cruel, cruel principle.

By default, I am a true-to-the-core-classic-stereotypical-hopeless-romantic. I grew up in a family with relatively good moral standing. None of my uncles and aunts, nor my mom and dad, have had problems with infidelity. My mom, despite my dad's condition (stroke with fits of rage and anger), loves him with a classic filipina's devotion. My lolo, a very famous filipino painter, despite his parkinson's and alzheimer's desease, would not even flirt with his nurses despite his waning ability to think. His wife, my lola, had already passed on years prior. Given this, I see on a daily basis how these core virtues are real, measurable and lasting. I strive for this. I have always wanted this for myself and for my relationship/s as well.

I do not entertain the prospect of a relationship if I do not see the possibility of it moving from girlfriend to wife in the future. No girlfriends for loneliness sake or any other bullshit. No girlfriends to get sex either. I already know I could get sex without commitment anyway...

Which leads me to the fvckn point.

When I had explored this phenomena, I had to take on the role of the douche to better understand how the system works. And so I did. To become a douche, one must have a reason to be one. A natural reason stems from a failed relationship, which leads to a bruised ego, which leads to a callous heart. Or something like that. Once a heart hardens, it shields itself from the pain, essentially "armors up" so it won't be easily accessed and be potentially hurt or be affected by an offending party. Since armoring up requires one to be less involved with feelings for any other, it becomes apathetic to the needs of others and is self serving with its objective to protect itself at all costs.

I had the "emo juice" to take on this persona. I had a 5 year, should have been married, but my ex got back with her ex, failed relationship. The Ex which for a fact, is a true-to-form fvckn douche. (he hit on one of his closest friend's GF while that couple were having problems for example.)

To douche up, one has to develop a sense of confidence, first and foremost. This serves as core material for the armor and arsenal of a douche. Confidence may be built up by and through social status, money, influence, appearance, speaking ability, education... in short, it can be built from anything. In my particular case, my source material was from my appearance, my speaking and conversational ability, my family's perceived wealth and my educational background among others. Secondly, a douche should have a single most dominant desire. It may be anything from revenge, to carnality, to notoriety... again, it could be any fvckn thing. My dominant desire at that time is to finally try to understand why and how the fvck these bastards get away with what they want and be able to keep their chicks faithful to them. Thirdly, a douche should have specific desired results for the above two. My objectives were to fvck, not to commit, but have them kind of emotionally attached but not clingy. Essentially, these three things strewn together, gives birth to the subject of this blog post. My version of the fvckn douchebag.

When i first started douche-ing (start of 2012), I did declare to some of my friends that this was the year of debauchery. Once declared, my first attempts were clumsy and awkward. Here's how one of the first successful attempts went down. I was in a bar and was checking out this mestiza girl that was smoking hot. The players in that table are as follows: mestiza, her kinda hot but skanky friend, and a gay guy. I made sure that when i looked at them, they'd notice that i was checking them out, then i would look somewhere else, with a slight smirk on my face as i looked away. Some promo girls that night had us buy drinks that we wouldn't drink, so i figured, ill have these useless drinks sent to their table instead. Once the waiter had given and pointed us out as the giver of drinks, i just talked to my friend without glancing at their table till the end of that night. I knew I got their attention. I could see at the corner of my eye that they wanted to acknowledge the gesture done. As the night progressed, when I noticed the mestiza going for a washroom break and was soon leaving the bar, that's when I made my move. Fortunately for me, that girl was accompanied by the gay guy so all I had to do, was tell him that I wanted to meet his friend and that's when we got introduced. Told her not to leave yet, she said she has to be somewhere else, so I asked for her number. I got it. I was able to go out with this girl. Once. When we had coffee that day, While talking with her, I then reverted back to mr. nice guy "i wanna know you better" bullshit. I played the honesty card too. Bullshit again. Din't hear from her for a good while, until I had reason to text her again. (habagat)

Then I got better. Not exceedingly better, I was able to integrate the niceness that I knew I possessed with the confidence a douche has. As I gained more confidence, I naturally assumed the position of the Alpha Male. Soon I was larger than life when I was out on the field, calling the shots, saying the stupidest things and getting away with it. On the subject of stupid things to say, the confidence in using flattery for example (eg. tell a girl, "why are you so hot? its so God damn unfair." then haha it away) and the ability to make fun of anything including myself became my personal favorite weapons of war. The stupid stunts, the baduy jokes, the nonesense hirits all became humorous and well received among it's audience, both male and female. The perks of this charade quickly followed. Soon i was bedding models, girls i've just met, I've met some of the most beautiful girls here in manila because of this. I din't sleep with all of them of course, not that i din't want to at the time (sooo tempting). To bed them all was a matter of acquiring the right weapons of war. Also, I din't want to become a true douche anyway, remember?

To enumerate some of the weapons I have used, I had several cars at my disposal. some girls noticed that i did not use the same car over and over again. I had a rotation of between 4-6. I also had condos that I had for lease, family owned. whenever I needed a place to crash, I could always use them. I also had a family resthouse in Tagaytay. This isn't really a weapon, Its actually some sort of fortress of solitude for me, and filled with barkada memories, not really for fvckn. Ang layo kasi just for a fvck. These are the physical assets. For the skill sets, again, flattery is an excellent weapon of choice. A well timed, lightly executed but seemingly genuine complement hits home with any girl. Even if the girl senses that you're making them bola, they'd go for it anyway. For girls who are reading this, why the fvck? Try to remember why the fvckn douche is doing this anyway, its for a fvckin dogstyle and a blowjob. If you fall for this and expect more, you can go and literally fvck yourself, or also turn into fvckn douchebag for being so stupid. I also became particular with my appearance. I chose carefully what to wear at any given occasion. I shaved or grew facial hair whenever necessary and tried to stay as fit as best I could.

At this point I really felt an aura of confidence around me, I knew, for a fact (i shit you not) that I am the best looking, funniest, most charming, affluent not opulent, motherfvcker in any venue that I was at. Take a note of this very carefully dear reader: I knew this in my head whenever I enter a particular place, my heart knows this as a fact, and my brain believes it as absolute truth. I write this with queasy-ness for now but bear with me just a few moments more... In order for this megalomaniac mindset to sell to a crowd, and this is the secret: is to temper this overwhelming confidence with uninterested/unexcited but observant eyes, to pair it with a half baked smile, to politely nod if someone looks your way, to share the good vibe you're feeling with people around you. At this point you are fvcking king. A generous and considerate one at that, for simply being there and for sharing your thoughts and gracing everyone with your royal presence. You are a motherfvcking Godsend to an otherwise ordinary event. This is my armor. It is beautifully radiant as it is mysterious. It's effect on people is intoxicating, profound and it does make them come back for more.I keep this as my deepest, darkest secret.

And you know what, That above paragraph really works. It works like a fvcking Rolex - like clock work. As I write this, know that I am literally in tears. I've lost the ones I truly love because of motherfvckrs like these. These fvckers have come to steal, take and destroy. Phoenix by Pharell anyone? All of a sudden, everything is so God damn easy. They do so without remorse not because they are evil, they have lost the ability to put themselves in other people's shoes when they do the crimes they commit. And again it's just so God damn easy. It's such a vicious cycle and is so clinically effective. i really can't stop crying right now....

At the tail-end of that year of 2012, I found myself so lost and at a loss for what I have come to understand. What I did instead, was to use what I've learned and try to detect the douche-baggery that came my way and avoid it making contact with my own heart. I had kept the confidence armor that this phenomena had taught me and I also chose to stop just fvckin for fvckin's sake. Why? Because I felt diminished. I felt empty. I felt so confused as to why this worked so effectively. Din't we all want something real to begin with? Din't we all want to be accepted for who we really were? 2013 became a boring shadow in contrast to the inglorious conquests of the previous year.

Fast forward to now: 2014. I find myself afflicted by the same douche-baggery I sought to understand; maybe change; but definitely ultimately avoid. At one specifically vulnerable point I removed the armor wrapped around my callous heart, hoping it may connect to another which sees the same darkness but is still choosing not to turn. My hope in this move was a crippling mistake. I misread things and gambled it all hoping to prove my theory wrong. To come full circle with the title of this blog, my douchebag was able to complete nearly all of his objectives. Had I kept my armor on, this blog entry would not exist. I took my armor out. I wanted to believe that its going work out, romantic comedy style. It didn't. And that is why I am bitter. So very, very bitter. It may be karma: I did in fact dish out the same douche-baggery that one whole year. It hurts like a bitch right now. I'm running out of strategies and my understanding and my will to not turn is dwindling down to nil very fast.

I'm sure you've noticed that I don't have the answer to this problem. On a side note, I also am a christian. So what I'm told as a blanket solution, is that I just go back to church, read my bible and do fellowship. I tried and i continue to try, It just maybe, hasn't hit home yet for me. I pray to God that I stay as far away as possible from this and leave it behind forever. If I do find a silver lining to all this I will share crucial information. But alas for now, I already know I'm armoring up. I'll leave the hurting others part as far an option as possible. It's natural for people to gravitate to armor like this, like shit to a bangaw. At this point, those who refuse to stay away from this, are unintentional casualties.

I'm a cheeseball at heart. I'm a dork. I play DOTA. I sing Di na Natuto very well in karaoke . And also, as I write this, I tell no lies.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Mint

The bitter christian

Chance