Recovery

Foreword

In a previous entry, I covered what a douche can be. At the time of writing that post, I was in knots about some incident that involved being rejected hence that post's uber-ly bitter flavor. Thankfully, this author was able to come to his senses and despite the messy and emotionally charged weeks after the incident, is able to kind of think clearly on what to do with that situation and what to do for the rest of the year.

Recovery

It's been  days since the "douchebag" blog entry. How different I feel now compared to how I was when I wrote that. Recovery has been remarkably good. Awesome comes to mind but it's a little to strong a word to describe it. It wasn't easy. I had to go through endless conversation with my network of friends that ranged from my vintage high school and college barkada, to tomboys, to celebs, to douches. The convo's were sappy and ugh, repetitive and mostly lame.

Bouncing back didn't come in one fell swoop in this case. It's a collection of random activities that would culminate to this disposition. An out of town trip was a perfect excuse to regroup, reorganize and distract my overly-analytic head. A balanced set of good friends was paramount to this process as well. Since where I went to was party central at that time, I had every excuse to let loose and just be able to appreciate myself and let go of whatever negative vibes I was holding on to.

Process

The first step was to let go of control. On most circumstances, one should choose to hold on to reason and logic to make sound decisions. Since my mind was in raging chaos, It's difficult to make quality decisions, so it's best to relinquish this to friends that you can rely on and they have to be trust worthy. Since my ego is the loudest to clamor for reparations, it's the one that needed attention the most at the time. The ego is stupid creature, If one chooses to exclusively follow it, it's self destructive nature will definitely bring you to deeper shit than you were in the first place. This is why you relinquish control over to the friends you trust. In my case, the mix of allies was, well, um... mixed. On the far left, were non gimmick, nerdy and smart friends that hardly go out and party. Their agenda was to see what the festival was about, which places to visit, what places are good to eat, and to be able to connect with people on a friendly level. On the far right, is the complete opposite. I was with a douche with a surprisingly good heart. This brother-from-another-mother knew what I was going through. He knew what the battlefield was all about and proceeded carefully in helping me piece things together. This motherfvcker is an accomplished douche, an infamous DJ with far deadlier weapons that I could ever hope to acquire.

By letting go of control, I noticed that i have started to relax and unwind. My calculating nature is slowly replaced with a moment by moment mindset. By this time, I've put on armor, I'm all smiles, I'm GV embodied. Then the music takes hold of me. I love music. I love EDM specifically. I love to dance. Since I was with the DJ, That's what happened: I fvckn danced this trip to death: fist pumping, strutting, jumping. It's a release I've never felt EVER. I went on stage and I took some of my clothes off. I was "hand-hearting" every cute girl I laid my eyes on. I was throwing paint filled water torwards the crowd and they loved it. Kulang nalang tumalon ako sa crowd. It was that intense. I really din't have a care in the world when I was dancing that time. GOD MODE: ON. It helped that I knew I could dance, so for those who don't dance, it doesn't matter, see what the others are doing and just copy them as best you can.

Movement

For a person with deep control issues, this was a breakthrough. I didn't imagine letting go would come from something as trivial as dancing. I was in a trance-like-state. It was amazing because when that happened, dancing was all that mattered. I didn't sleep around in that trip. I didn't care if I did, not that didn't want to. As stupid as it sounds, I take pride in why that trip was so. Why? It's a pure and unedited experience that arguably few people will ever experience this in their lifetime. There were no casualties in the trip since no douchebaggery happened. It was a win-win situation.

Aftermath

Relapse happens from time to time. The void of a loss will always haunt you until it is replaced by something or someone else. I'm glad that I did not jump into something serious at that time of calamity. (although I'm wearing a stupid haircut right now, don't get a haircut when in personal crisis mode haha) Things are leveling out now, and life will continue to press on.


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