Showing posts from 2015

Raw, no edit

So here it is.

"It's just dinner, going to valk eat lang and its starts early around 630 till 1030. I'll be home by then" ... "On our way back to maga na" (1030ish)... "Will smoke up a bit"... "Goodnight wutsy....(1230++)"

It wasn't at valk. It never was just dinner, we both know that. In my head it goes: "Oh, puff lang naman, BTW, you're not answering or messaging back anyway so, I'll smoke up narin since you're overreacting nanaman eh, stressing me out..."

I'm not your mom. I'm not your boyfriend either. So to be completely transparent, I've read your FB messenger, when your laptop broke and I had to fix it. Did I want to see what was inside that (guy-girl) thread of convo? For better or worse - YES.

A little history - my ex's now ex again - ts on my ex's best friend goes to one time "Ang tanga ng boyfriend mo. Kung ako yun di kita pakakawalan. Sobrang Ok ka kaya..." They met …


I was happy. Never imagined I could be happy that way again. I felt loved and was able to love without holding back. That is, before I got spooked with what I was able to read in her FB messenger.

Flirting. Playful banter with a guy I haven't met. She assured me and still continued to do so but I've already consumed and digested what I've seen in that messenger thread. She tells me, "don't worry Ok... nothing has happened" (yet).... And my mind tells me so pag nag kiss na sila, dun palang may problema. Nice. Ulul. She doesn't know yet that I've read through it when I was able to fix dead laptop.

It has happened before. The ending of that previous story is that my gf at the time apologetically admitted later on that she sucked her ex's cock while we were together. We were not really having big problems at the time, simply frustrations here and there. Cock sucking. Fuck that.

So how can I, in my fucked up over analytical mindset NOT be reacting thi…

Its not like I'm your boyfriend

A step higher than friend zone. Its called dating. Its a relationship stripped of all the drama, possessiveness, jealousy and the negative stuff associated with bf gf relationships.

Dating allows for intimacy. It allows for everything good in a relationship. But as with all things, there's always that catch, isn't it?

Took a while for it to take hold of me. We've been dating for about 8 months now. The feeling of "nawawalan ng gana". What is it in English? The loss of interest? Lack of motivation? I'm contemplating on simply walking away.

Is it because I'm throwing in the towel? I'm simply giving up? But don't I love her well enough to fight for whatever we have together, informal or not?

I'm already assuming that you, my random reader, knows that it wasn't because I don't love this person. I do. I terribly do. I know I'll do nearly whatever it takes to keep this person. But unlike Christ's gift of unconditional love, I can o…

Riddle me this

How does one go up against a Riddler? This isn't the first time I've encountered one, really. Airbnb had the similar indicators. I mean, I never cared to ask because it isn't that I didn't care about it (how does one go blahblah question), I guess the subject didn't matter much, until now.

To understand "riddler", I must therefore draw conclusions from how "Airbnb" was. Airbnb had a back story so shady, it would have been logical for any fvcker to take advantage and have just abuse unlipop sex. She was with someone else prior to me that provided for her and owned her as his Querida. I guess for a long time she carried the "don't know, don't care" mindset. By the time she fell for me and when it mattered to face the reality of what's been going on with her life for years, she found an exit path via me.

So I went along with the premise, better judgement on my end be damned. My strategy of choice was "the possibility of w…
How can I leave you, you've always beside me. Through thick and thin, you're my silent companion. Effortlessly enduring my nonsensical gripes, my euphorical highs, my useless lulls and everything else in between.

Yet they tell me to break it off with you. I know that I should too, sooner than later. What I fail to wrap my head with is that in exchange for your quiet devotion, you require absolute loyalty

Never quite enough

Tonight I type away feeling empty and disconnected, foreign to any emotion I've felt before. This feeling is unique in a sense that, it doesn't hit as hard as say, anguish or regret. It doesn't pull the edge of the lips ever so downward like grief or hopelessness. But it has the traits of tugging, grabbing, pulling downing feeling of hopelessness. It's there, but not quite to be labeled as that.

It's the end of a dizzying, energy sapping but highly productive week for me. Thrown in it are cameos of an out-of-place muse that playfully and refreshingly inspires me to power through what could have been a purely stress laden minefield of a week.

Yet it doesn't end so well. This playfulness is tethered with irresponsibility and disregard. It's reminds me a beautiful car riddled with unending mechanical faults.

The shady-ness of this story's setting. The rise and fall of of it's unfolding events. The high and the crash of intertwined emotions. This t…

Stay away

Don't linger, don't make me feel.
I don't have the luxury of time or attention for anyone special, let alone anyone that distracts me from my mind's lofty goals and ambitions.

Your presence excites the old me. Your company inspires the hopeful me. The me who risked it all. The me that still continues to try to pick up and piece together something that won't ever be fixed again.

I don't want your affection. It clouds my better judgment. I can't give you quality time, as I have to be somewhere else doing something productive. Your unrelenting persistence is breaking walls that have been carefully and meticulously crafted and built, walls that were designed to keep your kind as far away from the old me, still picking up and trying to mend what cannot be fixed.

What do you want from me? My commitment? That I take care of you? That I'd do my best, my hardest, everything in my power to make it work? Right now? We?

Even if explained to you countless times, yo…


A worn out shoulder pad and what seemed to look like a spaghetti strap.

She call out to me from the bedroom with something like: "Huy, ano to?" while referring to those items like evidence to a crime. I gaze into her eyes, upset and glowing red with a determination I can't quite seem to grasp. "I don't know." I replied. My shoulders shrugged as I think to myself, what's the real angle here? "I know we're not together (as a couple) pero bakit may strap ng swimsuit dito?". Words of suspicion as she slowly shakes her head and her body so stiff while I try to ease her being so wound up. "Y'know, the only other girl whose gone up here is your younger sister (7yo) for a swim. And these shoulder pads... " My God, those shoulder pads were frayed and worn out and looked like they did come from under the bathroom sink in which, by the way, is where I saw and didn't mind moments earlier.

Long and short of it, she hurriedly left my…

You and Me

Its not that I'm not drawn to you. I am. I check your Facebook page every so often within my day, every day, to have an idea, a glimpse, of how you are, what you're feeling, what's going through your head. To no ones surprise, the whirlwind romance the randomness of our chance encounter has brought us has finally come to pass.

From a perspective, how we are, how it is this moment is the second best ending we can ever hope have. No face to face, neck wrenching drama a worst case scenario of parting ways would sooner or later, bring. No bitter and foul words exchanged. No ill wishes harbored for one another. No monsters created. I'd rather this, right now. This. This... I don't really know what's going on in that hope filled head of yours. That despite my stubbornness with staying away from you, I still kinda hope that you'd eventually stumble upon this blog entry because you were trying to understand what's going on in my jumbled head as well. That des…