I can be an asshole

I can be an asshole, I've always known that.

I grew up in an industry full of it. An industry full of themselves.

I started in this industry at the age of thirteen. At that time, I already knew I could get away with a lot of things simply by being part of this small world. Kids in this world would smoke, make out, buy whatever they want, stay up late, smoke up and drink. This was required to be part of the cool kids group. This is the peer pressure I had to grow up in. Of course I wanted to be part of the cool kids back then. But back then, I did not what they did. Back then, I did what other kids in school at that time did. Play street fighter and read comics.

I grew up with people's expectations of who I should be. Among normal friends they expected me to be doing the same crap industry kids were doing: sleeping around, partying, doing drugs BUT the top query was: who did I sleep with. I did not sleep with anyone at that time. I got laid a bit later in life.

For some odd reason, I did not turn and become an asshole. It's a stereotype that still is expected of me till this day. My truest friends know that I am not this.

There is some weird freedom that comes with this expectation. It's sort of a free pass to do any bullshit you want. All you have to do is to deny whatever bullshit you've been accused of doing and viola! You can do whatever the fvck you please. Pretty corrupting if you ask me. Yet still, I did not turn into an asshole.

Doing shit never went away as a requirement to be a part of this "inner privileged elite." It has now been replaced with cocaine, ecstasy and of course, still, sleeping around.

The penalties of not conforming are as follows: you become diminished in the eyes of your industry mates. you are marginalized by other friends for not dicking around and they lecture you with something like this "If I was in your shoes, I'd be sleeping around so much... yada yada." Of course I wanted to sleep with these girls too, who horny straight guy wouldn't? They are the local goddesses in this country. They sleep around as well.

And the good guy looses his market value each and every freaking day. The good guy becomes "the boring one". The good guy also gets penalized much more severely when he slips up since he is expected not to do so. The age of the good guy has finally passed.

Let me ask you? have you ever been asked to participate in an orgy, here in manila? Have you ever walked away from 2 sisters, drugged up, sleeping in your condo for days? Have you ever "blanked stared" a celebrity when she give you hints of things happening after an intense drinking session? I have. I've felt so stupid for doing so, more times than i could count.

It's not easy to choose to walk away when the pleasures in life dangle in front of your freaking face. It takes more strength, more control, more thought, more will, more conviction, more everything. After awhile, having to do more without immediate or tangible benefits takes it's toll on you. And when you're tired and spent, being and asshole easily becomes a very attractive option.

I'm starting to question why I do resist? Once upon a time it felt like it was the noble thing to do. Chivalry is dead they tell me. The relentless sensory assault has already started to destroy my carefully built walls.

I can be an asshole, but i'm not.


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