Posts

Showing posts from 2016

Moses complex

I've been warned of this by Liz, my good christian friend. But she used it in a different context in a sense. It was about how lost Moses was that it took 40 years for the Israelites to make it to the promised land. How I seem to remember it that he insisted his way, hence they took that long to get to their destination.

Peter Tanchi nailed it in the message I listened to earlier. The low resolution YouTube video from 4 years ago talked about overcoming depression. This video popped out from nowhere and the date of it's upload, sept 11 or 14 was mindblowing. It really seemed like God's hand was moving in miraculous ways.

Peter narrates and portrays Moses in a bitxhing manner while he was talking to God while leading the Israelites. Moses, consumed with frustration was telling God that he can't stand the stubbornness of His people no longer. That God just kill him instead.

I started balling. I was balling hard. Snot was jamming up my nose and my tears were intense. A…

Pickup is easy, to keep is hard

"You're so beautiful, you can have any guy in the world. The guy who gets to keep you is one lucky guy. I'm so fvckn jealous of him right now!"

"Stranger things, you have to see it, it's not scary but it's... It's nice you gotta watch it."

"Why is your boyfriend like that? Isn't he supposed to take care of you not just now, but in the long term too? What's he thinking?"

Notorious lines when executed by a seasoned douche, results in a 100 percent kill rate. It's been done to me. I've seen these disposable daggers used once too many. They are highly concealed, extremely easy to use and leaves a slow creep poison that creates doubt in even the strongest of relationships.

I don't have respect for those who use this cheap and vile weapon. It's a fucking cheat code. I tend to lose respect for a person that falls for attacks like these. These daggers are the destroyers of relationships.

Those who use it recognize the w…

Joey Albert on loop

Cross to bear

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. I'm no husband yet but yet, I do love my (hopefully) future wife. Yet I feel she doesn't respect me. Flirt and break up at the signs of impending troubles that naturally finds it way in relationships.

I wanted to call her today. I reviewed the things I can and shouldn't say. Carried convos with friends and family regarding the tone of what we'll talk about, tone being: what made us great together. About just checking up on how she is on her end, millions of miles from where am right now. I felt the timing is necessary, it isn't too late in the week to reach out nor it's too early to not let her have her thoughts to herself.

I prayed before taking a nap so I can rest and won't be sleepy when we talk at odd hours, manila time. Half awake and what felt like God taking to me in prayer, the message is this: "Don't call her na. Your relying on your theories and all that you know again. You've f…

Fear strikes back

Fear attacks in the shadows. And this attack came if form of a video made by one of his pawns. Buried in this FB video is fear's pawn saying "and I get to spend time with the person I really admire". Amiela believes that this guy is just a nice guy. I know its more than that. I know their kind all too well.

That tactic is to solidify its stranglehold on Amiela. The scorched earth. By placing his pawn closer to her, any attempt I make becomes useless in the eyes of Amiela. My rescue move too little too late. It was a dagger straight to my heart. I know how effective that move is. I've seen it done countless times before. She will be tagged of that video and she will reply favorably to it.

I had to disassociate my hatred of this person and realign it as what it really is: a strategic move by my enemy. I cannot stay idle and watch as this move unfolds. I talk to my mom to make abundantly clear: the urgency of my plans. That there is no purpose in delay in them. That…

I'm not going to New York this September

Today I asses my inventory. What weapons do I possess to destroy this demon. It actually has a description, a real world figure. 200k. 200k per month. 200k per month income. That is it's "power level".
Why 200k? As per Amiela, (I kinda agree too), this monthly amount affords us frequent travels to Europe, a beautiful house, my vintage cars and daily drivers, the best education money can buy. It buys a better life. That's how Amiela's monster presents itself to be.

Destroy this number and this monster motherfucking dies.

To prepare, I had to evaluate the performance of my little but growing empire. What riches has my Airbnb venture brought me? Can you guess it? A paltry 3750 pesos a month on top of my net salary of 20k monthly. Oh also computed this too, i buy 2 pack of cigs @ 100 bucks a day. 30 days of that shit is 3000.

Mother-fucking-shit. 

And now in full, hyper real imagery I just saw how unfathomably huge a monster this fucker really is. 200k/mo salary may …

How could I be so blind?

I ask myself, but deep down I now know the answer to this question. All these years I was searching for answers to my condition. Why I was underachieving. Why despite the bright promise everyone sees in me, I repeatedly turned out to them - a failure so repulsive. I knew I wasn't lazy. They all felt that I was. They all told me what to do but after trying hard to comply, I never did well enough to warrant a pat on the back. No tummy rub for this doggy.

ADD was my leading suspect, and to a degree, it still is. I'm a daydreamer. I've always been. I'll always be. I envied the successful ones from my kind. They say Steve Jobs, Einstein, Mozart are ADD. But here I am, broken again. Left to die by someone who I really, really loved.

I wish I could cry right now, but I'm in the lobby of an Eastwood condo. Thoughts of reaching out to other women to console me seduce my asphyxiated soul. A solution so cheap it damned my being once before.

When the covers finally lifted, …

Postmortem

Chapter I:

How are you? I hope you're doing well in that part of the world.

Me reaching out to you so randomly might come across as an unwelcome surprise but here I am, writing to you nonetheless. I'm writing under the shadow of a super fresh breakup (2 weeks on going). Although the premise of this is breakup is unbearably familiar, it sheds light to the demise of the old you and me. Also, I've never stopped asking why we failed back then. To me, the ghosts of you and me were never laid to rest. In the years I was absent, I felt that all that needed to be said were said already and that there was no need to revisit the pain we both went through. I've had no new knowledge on how to solve that "case", until now. Hence my first reach out message since our breakup.

In order to paint the complete picture, I'm left with no choice but to make kwento this:

This current breakup is anchored on the following: "37 ka na, and that's all you do for a living?.…

Day 5

Profound Changes.

It's a horror roller coaster all right. It's not as freaky as I expect but since its only day 5, I can only speculate what horrors await me.

I've learned a great deal in the span of a few days. There was one particular day that I achieved a phenomenal breakthrough. It was about the fear demon raping and destroying the one I love, everyday for weeks on end before she actually flew out of the country. That day was the first time I actually broke down and saw the magnitude of the shithole I was into. I cried that moment, it opened my eyes to the horror that has taken the one I love.

This insight provided me a new method to destroy this enemy. I drew tremendous strength in the thought of saving her from this demon. Why would I allow her to endure such pain and suffering at the hands of such a filthy and vile creature. I internally regrouped, adjusted my plan from just flying out the soonest to show her that I'm there for her - to I'll raise an army…

Day 2

I wake up way too early, with under two hours of sleep. Awoken by the sound of my phone - a message alert. I pick it up, sees that's its an airbnb inquiry, then instinctively scanned the screen if she messaged or posted something on fb, who was online in telegram and are they online at the same time.

They were, about a minute apart.

I desperately try to go back to sleep. A few hours later I find myself woefully unsuccessful with a punch to my cement wall to boot.

I'm obsessing to find out if there's something going on with these two. I have more than enough reasons to believe that my relationship failed so swiftly is because of this. The internal argument in my head is that what does it matter to me now anyway? She didn't, couldn't wait to break up with me. She was so focused on the imperfections of our relationship.

Did this guy nourish the seeds of fear in doubt in her head? Why did it grow so fast as if it was the most fertile ground on earth? Doesn't sh…

Dear cutes

I've been trying to organize my thoughts regarding our situation right now. And I'll try my best to be as straightforward with my thoughts and intentions as I write this.

Firstly, of course I'm not happy about us going through this right now a week into your NY trip. I know you aren't too.

I cant help but feel disappointed that as early as now - you feel that I'm incapable of taking care of you well into the future.

Note to self: So I guess I'm still too poor to take care of someone I truly love.

Now that we're officially not together, the only consolation I have is I'm not as broken as I usually am. The foundation left in place to protect myself from incidents like this is rock solid and rebuild able.

Thanks for allowing me to hope again. Thanks for letting me show love that I haven't been able to share with anyone else. Thanks that even for a brief period, I have loved and felt loved. We did try, and apart from the reasons of our breakup, dare…

July oh why

Like any other recurring july month, it comes year in year out. But not this upcoming one. This is the july that my ** leaves indefinitely for New York.

Its a string of bad news this day. She tells me that her cousin broke it off with her bf na. Post mortem: LDR. Her older brother treating her like shit all day. What a dumb fucker.

Fast forward: to my surprise, the above paragraphs were the last entries I have made and (2 months prior at least) and it is now indeed, July. The last day of this month.

As I type now, my hands are slightly twitching. Very tiny trembles that is indicative of me subconsciously suppressing the tremendous hurt I feel inside. My mind is trying to keep it together, trying to be strong, trying to find answers, trying to find a quick and permanent solution to what seems to be a permanent breakup.

A breakup? A week into the NY trip? Foul play is highly suspect. A 3rd party fvcker planting seeds in her mind which unfortunately flourished beautifully with feroci…

Can I NOT be sad?

Hating this feeling of not being able to.

To talk with you.
Listen to your stories.
Find out how was your day and just try to imagine how that day panned out.
That I wasn't able to see your messages when you most wanted to share your day with me.
That I wasn't there when you needed me.

All because my stupid phone's battery was running low and I left it in my room to charge. For an hour. Fvck.

Of all the days you've been away, this is the first time I'm agonizing this intensely, how much I miss you.

I can't stand having another episode of this.

I hate the thought of you leaving in a few months. Leaving indefinitely.
I am heavily considering following to New York to make us work.

I'm scared if it doesn't work out. Scared shitless. I imagine you recovering from our-breakup-that-has-not-happened-yet and you feeling pity and sorry for how broken I've become after Us has failed.

I can't ask you to stay here in Manila, yet. I don't have an o…

It's been awhile

Change. That's what.
Busy. Here, there. Work. Relationship.
I have a girlfriend now. I should be ecstatic. Right now, I'm wondering why not. It must be cause my insomnia is back and the sleep deprivation is making me cranky.

I'm just spread thinly now. Wondering if I'm where I should be. Wondering if I'll get there. Get to where anyway?

Where I type, I'm my small but comfy bed, is where most other guys would dream of being. With a beautiful girlfriend that loves me. A big ass tv. A ps4. Fast internet. Nice phone. 2 rare as fuck cars. Enough change in my pocket. No kids. No real responsibilities.

God damn I have it good right now don't I?

Yet I feel empty as fuck right now.

Why is that? I hear a faint, familiar knock on my heart. I recognize that sound. But am I too lazy to open it? I don't want to open because I know what it's all about. But seriously, I just don't wanna get up and face the complexity, the drama, the effort it represents …