Postmortem

Chapter I:

How are you? I hope you're doing well in that part of the world.

Me reaching out to you so randomly might come across as an unwelcome surprise but here I am, writing to you nonetheless. I'm writing under the shadow of a super fresh breakup (2 weeks on going). Although the premise of this is breakup is unbearably familiar, it sheds light to the demise of the old you and me. Also, I've never stopped asking why we failed back then. To me, the ghosts of you and me were never laid to rest. In the years I was absent, I felt that all that needed to be said were said already and that there was no need to revisit the pain we both went through. I've had no new knowledge on how to solve that "case", until now. Hence my first reach out message since our breakup.

In order to paint the complete picture, I'm left with no choice but to make kwento this:

This current breakup is anchored on the following: "37 ka na, and that's all you do for a living?... I don't wanna live poor in the future... My older cousin, a Wharton undergrad, he's about your age and works in a Kodak scanning negatives, I don't want to be with a guy like that". Her dad even joked that she was a tag along in Europe because she might never be able to go back there ever again because she might end up marrying a poor husband. Other derogatory remarks omitted. Long distance relationship: LDR.

Different statements with a terrifyingly dark and familiar tone. I was fucked to hear this from my 23 year old girlfriend. She doesn't even have a job yet. She plays ps4 far longer than she actually should. It's been said that I'm the best boyfriend she's ever had, and now this? I accepted these things about her, fully knowing that things will only get and change for the better. Blissfully happy were we 'cept for this stupid green card requirement which none of us ever wanted. If I were an asshole I'd coerce her to stay here in Manila. We broke up that day.

I was in shock. I knew what she said isn't true. Is it? I've been steadily building my tiny but growing Airbnb empire and I'm much more stable now than when you and I were together. She and I had ample time to build a future together. I had what, something like 3 years to increase my cash flow to a respectable level. I had other businesses to pursue, but as with most dreams, they take time to grow.

I know by heart what she meant with what she had said. I avoided relationships for years because I did not want to be branded -insufficient- ever again. I just got branded again. Fuck.

It made no sense. This nightmare can't be happening all over again. I love her in the same depth as I did us back then. I felt cheated. I felt judged. I'm demanded to solve what is impossible. I felt that I was, again, in a relationship that did not have a sliver of a chance of lasting success.

I finally broke down 2 days after the breakup. I was too consumed with trying to keep what we have. I scoured for answers and discover ways to make it work despite LDR. I've been desperately trying to crack this problem long before her flight to NY last July. When it hit me, It became real that - I can't win. It's the same goddamn dead end we were once up against.

Sarji and Cel's story ended exactly the same way. You and I died, and our relationship - dead beyond hope.I'm super sure that's how the story ended for you too.

I did not get in touch with you to tell you something you already know all too well. Fvck ang haba ko mag latag ng premise hahaha! Bear with me a bit on this. I reached out to paint the complete picture of what has happened to me and this girl and to us back then. Here it is:

Chapter II:

When I broke down, conceding to what had happened - was the first time I understood in graphic clarity why my girlfriend was crying for weeks on end, every freaking day till 5 in the morning. Its the first time I saw the hopelessness she had been drowning herself into. It was the first time I understood that its not circumstance I was up against, it was something else entirely. After hmmm, 6 or 7 years? Im seeing what went wrong with razor sharp clarity. I was in fact, face to face with a monster so brutal and effective in dominating, raping and poisoning my girlfriend every fvckn day before she left for New York. This monster is fear.

Only now did I understand the horror she went through. Why she lashed out to me that way. Why she cast me aside so easily. She felt that I did not protect her. I was so focused in being strong and doing everything else not realizing the destruction, defilement and the agonizing pain she endured under fear's influence. How could I protect her? I did not see the monster right in front of her. Had I known, would I take my sweet time to get things done? No fucking way.

Armed with this newfound wisdom, I decided to not rush to go to New York which was my original plan: sword flailing in empty, thin air, declaring undying love to a single audience and an opponent that sees what a stupid fool I was. Real world implication: easily php100k for fvckn playing a fool (proof that I'm not THAT poor). Plan B: is to fast track every expansion project I have. To not waste anytime building scale models during work hours; not chillaxing as I normally would. How the fvck could I? My girlfriend was getting raped with every delay I make. I've grown exponentially stronger everyday because of this. I now know that nothing will stop me from making any of my relationships work. No failure is ever acceptable. No dead end is ever inescapable. My resolve is absolute.

I shared this realization with her, telling her how that despite her saying she was 50/50 about us before she left, me 100% (75% avg. pasang awa but in my mind, thats worth a shot!) In reality she was 0 percent in this fight. She had cried every hope she had before leaving. Fighting my insecurities with no ounce of false assurances, (unlike OTHER FUCKERS OUT THERE!!!) I told her that I am committed to carry her load. To me she was an incapacitated victim hence how could she even fight for what we had. Also, I was uncertain if there were any other suitors at the time. Fvck them all. Fvck every other epal better guy, I knew stripped of any advantage or success they enjoy, if a shitstorm hits them as it does to any and all of us, their resolve to take care of Amiela will never come close to how far I'm willing to go for her.

This convo brought about a renewed spark between us. We traded I love you's, called each other back, and we were getting along similar to how we were, pre-relationship. Yet it didn't quite feel that all is good and peachy. Although it's a compelling, obra telenovela-ish story climax, it felt like - why does it feel like it's still... not... something....

CHAPTER III:

Still discontent, I dug deeper. A tagged picture of her and some epaloid fvcker appeared on her FB timeline. Him, a suspect I've been stalking. Him the asshole responsible in tipping her over in the first place. I thought to myself, how can she do this to me? She loves me right? Hindi naman sya a two faced, emotionally retarded, insensitive kupal, in spite of new crucial and critical information about our situation. Right?

CHAPTER IV: Clues

Yet I've seen this happen many times before. When LT and I broke up, I knew she loved me and would do anything to win me back. Anything. Regardless, I would not have her back. Even if she played her cards to absolute perfection. Not Ever.
Back then, if I tried to win you back, I knew in my deep in my cheeseball heart that you'll never want me back. Eventually I did share the same sad sentiment. There was real love in both examples. The love before pre-breakup was also, two way. These examples led to finding the last remaining piece in unraveling what had happened to me recently and to us, all those years ago.

Chapter V: Truth be told

Amiela did not survive that ordeal. She was completely destroyed and her heart laid waste. The Amiela that loved me was murdered by this fucking monster. Even if, as of right now I am mounting a rescue and preparing for an offensive to destroy this demon that destroyed us long ago, there might be no Amiela to rescue anymore. Again, I shared my analysis with Amiela, and for a day, we were closer to how we were at the height of our relationship. But this ecstasy is short lived. Soon, she types away... "I'm confused." later followed by the telltale: "I need to be alone."

This is not the same Amiela that loved me. This Amiela is confused because she cannot grasp why she is supposed to feel something for me in the first place. The part that understood this is already gone. She may act, think and sound like the Amiela I love but the truth is, why would she even care? Sarji is dead to her or simply, nonexistent. The Sarji that loves Amiela feels that. He is beginning to accept that this is not the same Amiela he fell in love with. He understands that there is no urgency to rescue anyone anymore. He will build an army still, but it's true purpose lost.

Final thoughts:

Its the same fear that destroyed the old Sarji and Cel. Its the same fear that destroyed my relationship now. This fear creates compelling and intellectually valid, fool proof arguments. They are nothing more than elaborate fucking lies. It took me all these years and a dead girlfriend to figure this out before I can begin to exact a revenge to it. I want it to stop destroying you. Stop it from raping you. Be strong. I really wished Amiela was stronger. But how can you defeat a monster so cunning and manipulative? I wish I knew what I was up against much, much earlier. Putangina papatayin ko yang fear na yan putang ina!!!

For me this lays to rest - the ghosts of you and me. Let's not disappoint and disrespect their memory by making the same mistakes again. Let's not blame our ghosts for that failure. Had they known this info now, I'm sure they'll still be be together, happily ever after.

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