Day 5

Profound Changes.

It's a horror roller coaster all right. It's not as freaky as I expect but since its only day 5, I can only speculate what horrors await me.

I've learned a great deal in the span of a few days. There was one particular day that I achieved a phenomenal breakthrough. It was about the fear demon raping and destroying the one I love, everyday for weeks on end before she actually flew out of the country. That day was the first time I actually broke down and saw the magnitude of the shithole I was into. I cried that moment, it opened my eyes to the horror that has taken the one I love.

This insight provided me a new method to destroy this enemy. I drew tremendous strength in the thought of saving her from this demon. Why would I allow her to endure such pain and suffering at the hands of such a filthy and vile creature. I internally regrouped, adjusted my plan from just flying out the soonest to show her that I'm there for her - to I'll raise an army to rescue her and finally destroy this creature once and forever.

This mindset has kept me strong for the past few days. It has given me a renewed purpose in fighting for this relationship to the death. It made me fight for her despite her not fighting for me anymore. How could she fight at this point? She was at the mercy of the fear that has consumed her heart. My resolve is absolute.

That is, until I realized that, the person I am fighting for is no more. That she did not survive. The person I get to talk to now isn't her anymore. The person I loved has died and along with that death, everything that mattered between her and me. The person I loved is dead.

How did I arrive at this truth? I had to remember the details of my breakups from before. Case number 1 is a picture perfect copy of the failure of this relationship. The major difference in this recent one is the LDR trigger. Case no. 2 is that I was the one not ready, and the girl I left behind was so lost for more than 3 years because of our breakup. The clues were there. Why despite the determination to win me back, was my ex so far from my heart and I would not have her back no matter what? Why despite my noblest efforts, my other ex left me for dead.

So what I write now is an autopsy report of how and why these things happen. I have to still have to work hard to raise an army to destroy this demon. This demon who has robbed me and others of the ones they truly love. To be honest, this might bring about a serious setback on my effort to save the one I love. But again, I am faced with the grim reality that she is no more.

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