How could I be so blind?

I ask myself, but deep down I now know the answer to this question. All these years I was searching for answers to my condition. Why I was underachieving. Why despite the bright promise everyone sees in me, I repeatedly turned out to them - a failure so repulsive. I knew I wasn't lazy. They all felt that I was. They all told me what to do but after trying hard to comply, I never did well enough to warrant a pat on the back. No tummy rub for this doggy.

ADD was my leading suspect, and to a degree, it still is. I'm a daydreamer. I've always been. I'll always be. I envied the successful ones from my kind. They say Steve Jobs, Einstein, Mozart are ADD. But here I am, broken again. Left to die by someone who I really, really loved.

I wish I could cry right now, but I'm in the lobby of an Eastwood condo. Thoughts of reaching out to other women to console me seduce my asphyxiated soul. A solution so cheap it damned my being once before.

When the covers finally lifted, all I see is death, despair, loss and deep inconsolable sadness. Loneliness embraces me. In full view I see the kindness and loyalty she had for me in all those years of darkness. She was a quiet companion, eerily enigmatic and beautiful.

Looking back, there was nothing I could have done with my condition. How could I even see what was in front of me back then. I was fucking blind for Christ's sake! The stench of death and loss were always so apparent after every breakup or every major setback. I didn't run away from any of those. I knew what was happening but I did not understand why. Yet I stood my ground and fought as hard as I could still.

I want to blame the people around me. Those who are close to me. Those who told me that they loved me and would never ever leave me. They left, all of them. Those who brought me down for not being as normal as them. They all left me for dead. Why? But how can I hate them? They did not know the kind of blindness I was afflicted with. They knew something was wrong but couldn't quite figure it out. They were as ignorant of my condition as I was.

Dare I say I am cured now. But the wounds that are left cut deep. This condition has robbed me of the best years of my life. My tormentors are among the loyals that remain, revelling at the destruction they caused. They continue to defile the memories of those that died on my prolonged blind watch.


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