Cross to bear

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. I'm no husband yet but yet, I do love my (hopefully) future wife. Yet I feel she doesn't respect me. Flirt and break up at the signs of impending troubles that naturally finds it way in relationships.

I wanted to call her today. I reviewed the things I can and shouldn't say. Carried convos with friends and family regarding the tone of what we'll talk about, tone being: what made us great together. About just checking up on how she is on her end, millions of miles from where am right now. I felt the timing is necessary, it isn't too late in the week to reach out nor it's too early to not let her have her thoughts to herself.

I prayed before taking a nap so I can rest and won't be sleepy when we talk at odd hours, manila time. Half awake and what felt like God taking to me in prayer, the message is this: "Don't call her na. Your relying on your theories and all that you know again. You've f'd yourself many times over for doing so, and although your analysis maybe spot on, you're not leaving the work to Me." I bargained with Him. Actually no, parang I didn't. He also told me to stop talking to my ex. I'm gonna get her hooked and strung along like what happened to LT. I felt powerless with what He said but like a stubborn child, I've been checking up on FB messenger if she's already online. If she posted something I can click like on. If there's anything else I should worry about. I did ask if I just wait for her call instead, and a -maybe- was all He clued me in.

Fast forward its almost lunchtime in New York. I'm on the edge, about to burst into tears with frustration. I'm close to losing composure and yet, I know I can't call her in my current state. I'm a little crybaby bitch right now. Every smartphone message alert via WhatsApp, Viber and FB jolting my attention, raising my hopes up but quickly dies in microseconds.

What is it that He wants from me? A quick read from my Bible app this message sticks like crazy glue: "Love the Lord your God with all your mind, with all your heart and with all your strength". I remember when me and her started dating, I'm telling my co-church mate: " bro, I'm falling fast for this girl. I'm smitten to the core and I can't resist not going for this, for (this relationship) to happen". He looked on, worried as if seeing perhaps the stark possibility of this current outcome.

Tears won't fall. I'm not fully sure what I'm so wound up for. On the one hand, the rescue and offensive I'm preparing for are somewhat aligned to His ultimate goal and purpose, right? On the other, plainly and simply, I'm so in love with this girl.

Is He asking me to just let go? I'm holding on because she once asked me to be her strength, her guiding light and I'm committed to that. Is He asking me to let go because maybe, just maybe, He telling me to trust Him to take care of her as I ask of him when I pray. Tears fall as I contemplate whether this cross is no longer mine to bear.

PS: as I wrap this post up, this pops up:

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor.
1 Peter 5:6 NLT
http://bible.com/116/1pe.5.6.NLT

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