potatochief

So I ponder, as to why I think I'm so uniquely different from the souls I connect to. Even my best friend knows I go far deeper than others would. I'll be candid, melancholy is so familiar to me now that it leaves no words to eloquently describe it. "I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover. So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him. Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just t...

I've had a shitty, tiring, but productive day. I was able to focus on my project car, buy supplies, issue instructions etc. The week prior I just completed shooting for a TVC, our first video production finally got approved after years of getting this started and endless meetings to boot. My thoughts are constantly on making progress, moving forward, being a better person - ultimately a better boyfriend and a capable future husband and father. Yet none of these things matter to my significant other, so focused on me not appreciating every nuance and detail of her moody wildfire and stormy shifts that I have to expertly navigate through. Loose my cool and snap - we're fucked. She wants out. I imagine she thinks that when I notice her faults, its that I'm fault finding and zoning in on every mistake she makes in the relationship. Not the intention. Ever. And when she insists - I don't pursue - "suyo". I disregard her welfare, her emotional state, her wel...

"Support lang naman kailangan ko sayo eh, ang badtrip na nga nang araw ko ang negavibes mo pa!" - then she starts sobbing. This is the replay mental image of my girlfriend running in my head while I try to ease her long day when her buyer/client pulls an annoying "I forgot the checks again" drama. Among other work related stresses which I have been a daily sounding board for. Point blank. Why do I put up with this? More importantly, I've been made to feel that despite me genuinely trying to help out, I'm the insensitive guy for keeping quiet, not showing my annoyance to her client. I should have been the more supportive "it's okay, at least you've gotten the checks..." Type of boyfriend she says. PS: before she stormed out of the car to meet her client, I wasn't even sure if he had the checks on hand or whatnot. In retrospect, I wasn't even 15 minute mongering whether he'd be there on time in which he was late still, but not...

It's a most painful thought to have as your own. Deep inescapable pain was once the apex of this dangerous feeling but now that it has stopped raging, lobotomized nothing simply remains. What empty existence this is. Passionate pursuits dashed and destroyed. Carcass of failures piled sky high, one atop the other. Revisiting the horrors of these memories to try to learn to undue the mistakes made is so perilous as it triggers a relapse of depression, anxiety, remorse and guilt. Some things you rise above from, some you have to learn to forget. And forget it has been. For the heart that once fought so fiercely and passionately cannot continue it's valiant but futile pursuit. Without heart, what then is left to pursue?

Signs of life. Life I'm tbh not grateful for. But I am. Hollow but alive.

Welcome to my comedy show, the bitter christian. That's meee! So, may mga born again christian ba dito? Ccf? Gcf? Victory? Praise God. *lights cig* O, bakit ganyan reaction nyo? Di naman kayo born again diba? You will go to hell. Narinig nyo naman yung John 3:16 diba? Bat di kayo nanampalataya? *raises cig for effect* eto? Nakaquit na nga ako 6 months nag backslide lang ako. Besides saved na ako. Christian pa rin ako pero iba-iba ang yokes na we carry. Eto yung akin. At least eto lang, sana wag pa madagdagan. Lord I'm waiting for help parin give me the strength ulit. Eh yung iba nga jan eh huma hashtag blezzed sponsored naman yung gamit. Di lang LV Balenciaga for the gerls, pati rubber shuz yezzy sponsored rin ng mga bise, foul - counted. Pogi ako. Wala naman chicks. Wala akong God's best. Sa kasamaang palad, speaking of which palad. The left. Yung pinang shake hands ko kanina sayo sorry naman. Pag christian, hassle yan kasi ang iPhone mo sigurado may bible app pero...

Holding back with walking with her to her car. A casual salute instead of a lingering beso to say goodbye. Less charming jokes. Less complementing how gorgeous she truly looks. It's natural for any species to put on their best foot forward. To appear far more dangerous, a cobra extends neck flaps while rising high above ground. A peacock fans it's tail feathers to dazzle its potential mate. A douchebag acts as if he cares so he can sleaze his way into damp panties. Such is the evolutionary world. Our survival depends on it. Yet the species with far more advanced language, it's female branch, regularly complain about being duped by this spectacle of best foot forward. Their words form menacing sentences describing to their co females how deviously toyed with they were. They rant that had they known yada yada yada... They wouldn't have yada yada yada.... Mostly panties related conversations. If the premise that we as a species have advanced far beyond our primitive ...