Why I bother

I've had a shitty, tiring, but productive day. I was able to focus on my project car, buy supplies, issue instructions etc. The week prior I just completed shooting for a TVC, our first video production finally got approved after years of getting this started and endless meetings to boot. My thoughts are constantly on making progress, moving forward, being a better person - ultimately a better boyfriend and a capable future husband and father.

Yet none of these things matter to my significant other, so focused on me not appreciating every nuance and detail of her moody wildfire and stormy shifts that I have to expertly navigate through. Loose my cool and snap - we're fucked. She wants out.

I imagine she thinks that when I notice her faults, its that I'm fault finding and zoning in on every mistake she makes in the relationship.

Not the intention. Ever.

And when she insists - I don't pursue - "suyo". I disregard her welfare, her emotional state, her well being. Ugh.

But does she even stop to think that in the middle of my meeting I leave to pick her up because she's not feeling well and I wanna make sure she's okay? In a hearbeat? Or I took a jeep going home after I had to drive for her yet all she got stuck on is - naisip mo pa yun (na "driver" ka?)

Naisip mo ba na hinding-hindi ko hihilingin sayo yun dahil GF kita. Kahit may kotse ka? - my mind screams back at the thought.

Bitch at me when she's fucking moody. Expect that I get the inner workings of a girl's mind. Who the fuck understands that shit?

The fact that I bother to try to understand and make things right is the fucking right step in trying to figure things out.

She tells I'm in my scientific method mode again. That all I do is talk it out thinking talking magically fixes everything.

Suyo and lambing? What does she mean by that? When she bitches should I just take it in the ass? Ganun? I can't. I shouldn't. I don't think I will.

But that doesn't mean I won't apologize if I'm in the wrong. I'd like to think I do. And I humble myself to the point of feeling small for making that mistake.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. I bother because despite all the nega-shit I observe and deal with, this is the person I've come to love. No one is perfect and so is she. Moreso me. Fuck, I'm so far from perfection too. But I don't decide to just leave a person for their hangups, flaws, insecurities.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. It isn't all negavibes when we're together. It isn't always that we fight and it seems reasonable to expect that we won't always be fighting anyway. She'll have her bad days, I'll have mine. We might not like each other when we're fighting but at the end of the day, it's still us.

I bother because she's my girlfriend. I wanna make sure that she's okay. That she falls asleep when we're on the phone every night even if I wanna sleep already. That I don't share what's stressing me out because she's burned out at work already. That some asshole cut her off while driving, I'm feeling pissed about it but have to stay cool.

I don't even have to go to the positive stuff that makes me love my girlfriend even more, all of those are abundant blessings already. I'm super grateful for those. Imagine if I didn't have those?! FML

But she wants out.

*PS - I have a car, I'm coding on Wednesdays, and I drive for her when she's too sleepy to drive so I'll drive her to her house then cab/jeep to go home.