A death wish
So I ponder, as to why I think I'm so uniquely different from the souls I connect to. Even my best friend knows I go far deeper than others would. I'll be candid, melancholy is so familiar to me now that it leaves no words to eloquently describe it.
"I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover.
So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him.
Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just that special to Him, that He'll reveal His face to me in His perfect time.
So I examine the man, as he once was. A great lover of men willing to die to save all of us. Despite ridicule, being pushed away, mistrusted and belittled, he stuck by us and never ceased to love us with the proof of dying on the cross.
Instead of pursuing human love I did, multiple times, tried to pursue His love instead. He invites us to understand Him deeper. To love in as much as He loved. To love Him as deeply as He loved us. As I write this, I try to connect with this deep unfailing love that's so repeatedly described in the Holy Book. I can't. My heart is only human. It's broken. I'm sure we all broke His heart too. I know in my mind He loves me as I write this. My heart trembles not in agreement, but in the emptiness of these descriptions that I can't connect or relate with.
He was dead by 33. Killed by the ones He loved and gave the option of salvation. I'm still alive at 40. Moses started his journey at 40. But he had a wife. Sure I have family but let's be real, sure I'll be missed but not as a father is missed by a child left too soon. My point is, before Christ died he goes "Father, take this cup from me" as He suffers from the pain of being unloved. And we all know what happens after that.
I am jealous of it. Maybe the devil is too. And that's why he continues to torment me this way. I am jealous that He is gone and is in the arms of His true Beloved. Seated on the right hand of the Father. Fulfilling His purpose as Lord and Saviour.
And here I am, without human love or human purpose.
I ask, over and over too. What is my purpose? I cannot feel God's love even if I seek it so desperately. I write this as if to embellish this desire to be freed on the dependency on human love but I still don't feel Divine love either. This is a plea to Jesus Christ to save me from this. A plea so many times I've begged for. "Be still, and know that I am God".
I'm trying to be still. You are indeed God, else I've taken my life long ago.
And so my death wish endures. You granted Your true child His wish for being pleasing to Your eyes. An adopted child I am, thanks to His grace and mercy. But at the same time I ask that this cup be taken from me too.
I strongly feel that I suffer the same way Christ did in loving people I truly care about. Being pushed away by the person you hold dearest is a truly painful thing. They did love me to a certain degree, but to love me deeper, they found that they done want to love me anymore.
I'm callous to compare myself to the One that is called Love. Yet I bare my soul now and is being truthful to what I really feel.
"I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover.
So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him.
Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just that special to Him, that He'll reveal His face to me in His perfect time.
So I examine the man, as he once was. A great lover of men willing to die to save all of us. Despite ridicule, being pushed away, mistrusted and belittled, he stuck by us and never ceased to love us with the proof of dying on the cross.
Instead of pursuing human love I did, multiple times, tried to pursue His love instead. He invites us to understand Him deeper. To love in as much as He loved. To love Him as deeply as He loved us. As I write this, I try to connect with this deep unfailing love that's so repeatedly described in the Holy Book. I can't. My heart is only human. It's broken. I'm sure we all broke His heart too. I know in my mind He loves me as I write this. My heart trembles not in agreement, but in the emptiness of these descriptions that I can't connect or relate with.
He was dead by 33. Killed by the ones He loved and gave the option of salvation. I'm still alive at 40. Moses started his journey at 40. But he had a wife. Sure I have family but let's be real, sure I'll be missed but not as a father is missed by a child left too soon. My point is, before Christ died he goes "Father, take this cup from me" as He suffers from the pain of being unloved. And we all know what happens after that.
I am jealous of it. Maybe the devil is too. And that's why he continues to torment me this way. I am jealous that He is gone and is in the arms of His true Beloved. Seated on the right hand of the Father. Fulfilling His purpose as Lord and Saviour.
And here I am, without human love or human purpose.
I ask, over and over too. What is my purpose? I cannot feel God's love even if I seek it so desperately. I write this as if to embellish this desire to be freed on the dependency on human love but I still don't feel Divine love either. This is a plea to Jesus Christ to save me from this. A plea so many times I've begged for. "Be still, and know that I am God".
I'm trying to be still. You are indeed God, else I've taken my life long ago.
And so my death wish endures. You granted Your true child His wish for being pleasing to Your eyes. An adopted child I am, thanks to His grace and mercy. But at the same time I ask that this cup be taken from me too.
I strongly feel that I suffer the same way Christ did in loving people I truly care about. Being pushed away by the person you hold dearest is a truly painful thing. They did love me to a certain degree, but to love me deeper, they found that they done want to love me anymore.
I'm callous to compare myself to the One that is called Love. Yet I bare my soul now and is being truthful to what I really feel.
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