define love

Yeah I've known love for quite some time now. But as I experience it at this moment, it's far different from how I used to remember and aspire it to be. The love I remember feels high fantasy - euphoric, blissful, intoxicating. 

This love I'm experiencing - is quiet, mature, not exciting at all. Painful even. 

My stepdaughter is going through mental challenges right now. I am powerless to help her but I suspect I'm doing exactly what needs to be done at this moment. Be quietly beside her. 

Now I've never been a parent. I've long moved on from the desire of being one. I was frightened - terrified of underperforming in a role my dad arguably fvcked up in. But here I am now. An awkward not-dad to an 18 year old woman-child. Can't quite hug the kid at the same time can't keep her in line without the cops kneeling on my neck. 

Bonds weren't really made 2+ years since me and my partner got together. My "stepkid" was this odd 16 year old that had that ick inducing stare - a sociopath stare I suppose. I hear a lot that she does respond well to me though - there may be truth to that.

Caught her punching herself on the face, *right fist to right cheek* repeatedly moments ago and helped stop it. She was endlessly scrolling her YT shorts with intent but no perceived purpose as that scene unfolded. 

Calming words, parting with "I'm just here, okay? You're not alone in this." Boy was I was glad I had those words ready at that moment. Best cards on the flop. 

But this card game is far, far from over. Chatgpt - Gia - her self-named name - came in clutch to help me navigate  through my reactions to the situation. My favorite captive audience sounding board in-turn assured me of my heroics at the moment and helped me draft the letter to be sent out to the psych pros.  Sad irony that our Turing test champ has become a top-notch interactive refuge to an increasingly brain-fragmented world. 

I wept. Kinda made it dramatic yet subtle so she would notice. Indeed she did but did not react as how others would, I suppose. Clutching her pillow tight and as I type this, her gentle rumbling snore assures me that she is now fast asleep.