How are you? I hope you're doing well in that part of the world.
Me reaching out to you so randomly might come across as an unwelcome surprise but here I am, writing to you nonetheless. I'm writing under the shadow of a super fresh breakup (2 weeks on going). Although the premise of this is breakup is unbearably familiar, it sheds light to the demise of the old you and me. Also, I've never stopped asking why we failed back then. To me, the ghosts of you and me were never laid to rest. In the years I was absent, I felt that all that needed to be said were said already and that there was no need to revisit the pain we both went through. I've had no new knowledge on how to solve that "case", until now. Hence my first reach out message since our breakup.
In order to paint the complete picture, I'm left with no choice but to make kwento this:
This current breakup is anchored on the following: "37 ka na, and that's all you do for a living?.…
I ask myself, but deep down I now know the answer to this question. All these years I was searching for answers to my condition. Why I was underachieving. Why despite the bright promise everyone sees in me, I repeatedly turned out to them - a failure so repulsive. I knew I wasn't lazy. They all felt that I was. They all told me what to do but after trying hard to comply, I never did well enough to warrant a pat on the back. No tummy rub for this doggy.
ADD was my leading suspect, and to a degree, it still is. I'm a daydreamer. I've always been. I'll always be. I envied the successful ones from my kind. They say Steve Jobs, Einstein, Mozart are ADD. But here I am, broken again. Left to die by someone who I really, really loved.
I wish I could cry right now, but I'm in the lobby of an Eastwood condo. Thoughts of reaching out to other women to console me seduce my asphyxiated soul. A solution so cheap it damned my being once before.
Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. I'm no husband yet but yet, I do love my (hopefully) future wife. Yet I feel she doesn't respect me. Flirt and break up at the signs of impending troubles that naturally finds it way in relationships.
I wanted to call her today. I reviewed the things I can and shouldn't say. Carried convos with friends and family regarding the tone of what we'll talk about, tone being: what made us great together. About just checking up on how she is on her end, millions of miles from where am right now. I felt the timing is necessary, it isn't too late in the week to reach out nor it's too early to not let her have her thoughts to herself.
I prayed before taking a nap so I can rest and won't be sleepy when we talk at odd hours, manila time. Half awake and what felt like God taking to me in prayer, the message is this: "Don't call her na. Your relying on your theories and all that you know again. You've f…