Can I NOT be sad?


Hating this feeling of not being able to.

To talk with you.
Listen to your stories.
Find out how was your day and just try to imagine how that day panned out.
That I wasn't able to see your messages when you most wanted to share your day with me.
That I wasn't there when you needed me.

All because my stupid phone's battery was running low and I left it in my room to charge. For an hour. Fvck.

Of all the days you've been away, this is the first time I'm agonizing this intensely, how much I miss you.

I can't stand having another episode of this.

I hate the thought of you leaving in a few months. Leaving indefinitely.
I am heavily considering following to New York to make us work.

I'm scared if it doesn't work out. Scared shitless. I imagine you recovering from our-breakup-that-has-not-happened-yet and you feeling pity and sorry for how broken I've become after Us has failed.

I can't ask you to stay here in Manila, yet. I don't have an offer for you or your family to convince them that I will be able to take care of you the way you deserve to be taken cared of.

I've been restless after seeing your "goodnight gonna sleep na" - 1 hour ago message. That's 4 hours ago. Couldn't sleep to cut the wait down till you're awake, in 3-5 hours or so.

In missing you I've become a mess. Aimlessly scrolling through social media posts to try to focus my attention to something else. I'm locked up in my room, trying to get shuteye but it feels like insomnia: can't get over that I wasn't able to catch up with you kanina.

And in missing you, I find myself finding time to write about you.
To think of why I miss you so.
I'm already sure it isn't just your bright and pretty face that I simply miss.
I do miss "wutsssyyy...." As you react from just being picked up from school or if I'm just making you kulit.
I miss your "thank you for tonight" after we've just gone out on a random weekday hangout date.
I miss you asking me "where's my kiss?" And if you don't ask, that I demand for mine. And that still, up to now, we keep kissing each other sacred and not something we do just because.
I miss taking care of you, finding ways to make you smile, or make your day even brighter.
And I miss that I know and I feel that you want to make me happy and take care of me as well.

Simply put, I miss my cutes. I feel useless and my efforts pointless, if you're not in the picture.

I've chosen to be unattached for a long time to prepare for the possibly of this. I'm freaking out that I just might not be ready still.

I fear for the terrifying possibilities of failure. I'm still here, facing these fears, overcoming them one by one, because I cannot bear the thought of losing my cutesy.

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