potatochief

Yeah I've known love for quite some time now. But as I experience it at this moment, it's far different from how I used to remember and aspire it to be. The love I remember feels high fantasy - euphoric, blissful, intoxicating.  This love I'm experiencing - is quiet, mature, not exciting at all. Painful even.  My stepdaughter is going through mental challenges right now. I am powerless to help her but I suspect I'm doing exactly what needs to be done at this moment. Be quietly beside her.  Now I've never been a parent. I've long moved on from the desire of being one. I was frightened - terrified of underperforming in a role my dad arguably fvcked up in. But here I am now. An awkward not-dad to an 18 year old woman-child. Can't quite hug the kid at the same time can't keep her in line without the cops kneeling on my neck.  Bonds weren't really made 2+ years since me and my partner got together. My "stepkid" was this odd 16 year old that had ...

S - thanks for meeting up B - .... S - the last time was messy, and we both said our piece about it B - .... S - so how have you been? B - .... Busy, stressed.... What's this for ba? Actually I don't wanna talk to you anymore S___,  parang I don't even know you anymore. S - how you been these past few months ba? Happier? Better? Well, congratulations to your awards but, are you really where you wanna be? Are you happy? B - ano bang paki mo, wala na tayo S___. At this point nakakagulo ka lang sa buhay ko instead of helping. S - before all this, sino ba yung nanggulo? Was it me? You? Pause - S - just talked to my friend D___ recently, 3 months na sila break ng office thing nya. He wanted to throw away his family for that girl pero in the end, wala lang yun sa girl na yun yung kanila. So going back, he was so convinced about this girl but look where he is now. Unhappy and lost. S - told him what if his wife found out? Then he's super fucked. Right? He...

No sexual innuendo with the word kinked, just to be clear. Base of my neck - right side - is hella tight. Had 3 consecutive days of drinking, latter 2 had smokes with it. I'm sober as I write this, but hours prior I was wired with my brain drug. Ritalin. My kind needs it daily to become a normies. Neurotypical. I'm totally in - to becoming one. My right knee has a kink as well. It's at the 9 o clock area if I'm facing you, dear reader. Yeah this is an old-age gripe entry at the very least. While I write this, I'm watching Netflix's supremely white-woman series Gypsy, I'm annoyed with the shallowness of the lead character's struggles. Despite her job as a therapist, she's so fvckn boxed in "that she's got her shit together" while the writers unravel her for N-series sake, episode to episode. I thought there was gonna be hot girl on girl action in there. Wala. And that's fine. And I wanna sleep already, need to be ready to ...

I didn't cry today. It isn't an achievement. In fact, I'm bothered with the idea that I didn't. I fear that my memory of you fades when I don't. I think of you alot though, but the intensity of what we all lost... I don't want it to simply fade away. When I think about it, it's not the theoretical convos that I miss, nor the possible family trips that we'll have in the future that I'm sure we would've had. It's that word again - nangungulila. I miss having you around. I miss your infectious laughter, your larger-than-life kwentos, your gigil hits with baba and kikster and your dedication to your two giant boys, Jaims and Arch. Oh, I had my second dose today. Got sermoned thrice for misplacing my vaccinate card. Not entirely my fault ha, it's been a hectic past couple of days, you know that. And our first batch of SP orders are complete na. I was happy I'm in a good mood because of your encouragement. I'm happy we say a but...

Thank you Lord for not allowing me to have this. To not allow me to win this for winning's sake. This isn't where You want me to be and if it didn't work out before with whatever I've been seeking, then there still is hope now. Thank you for letting me hear good news today. That change really does happen and You do show Your mighty hand to those that truly follow You. Thank You for blessing them. I felt blessed listening to all of the good and real changes You've affected in their lives. I pray that I receive the same blessings too. My stubborn and callous heart I offer to you. Help me cut the ties that bind me to sin. The memories of heartache, pain, betrayal, inadequacy, aimlessness - Lord I offer them to You. Jim Carrey did say that depression is our avatar's way of saying they are tired of playing his role. I certainly am but I am not surrendering this to the enemy. I surrender my being to you Father, through Jesus' intercession. I am hopeful Lo...

So I ponder, as to why I think I'm so uniquely different from the souls I connect to. Even my best friend knows I go far deeper than others would. I'll be candid, melancholy is so familiar to me now that it leaves no words to eloquently describe it. "I hope you find someone who loves you as you are" - a quote from a recent ex. I get what she meant by that. I seem to be quite the difficult lover. So I think of another lover I have difficulty with. Christ. Jesus Christ. A man who loves me so yet I push him away as as much as I would want to understand his he loves me and us deeply, my hopeless loss of enlightenment of it makes me drift apart from Him. Whenever I feel downtrodden and lost, I run to Him, as any wounded lover would. All I seemed to get is some shady "I've got good plans for you mysticism". The amazing testimonials of people finding refuge, peace and purpose in Him I get jealous of. I temper this jealousy with maybe I'm really just t...

I've had a shitty, tiring, but productive day. I was able to focus on my project car, buy supplies, issue instructions etc. The week prior I just completed shooting for a TVC, our first video production finally got approved after years of getting this started and endless meetings to boot. My thoughts are constantly on making progress, moving forward, being a better person - ultimately a better boyfriend and a capable future husband and father. Yet none of these things matter to my significant other, so focused on me not appreciating every nuance and detail of her moody wildfire and stormy shifts that I have to expertly navigate through. Loose my cool and snap - we're fucked. She wants out. I imagine she thinks that when I notice her faults, its that I'm fault finding and zoning in on every mistake she makes in the relationship. Not the intention. Ever. And when she insists - I don't pursue - "suyo". I disregard her welfare, her emotional state, her wel...

"Support lang naman kailangan ko sayo eh, ang badtrip na nga nang araw ko ang negavibes mo pa!" - then she starts sobbing. This is the replay mental image of my girlfriend running in my head while I try to ease her long day when her buyer/client pulls an annoying "I forgot the checks again" drama. Among other work related stresses which I have been a daily sounding board for. Point blank. Why do I put up with this? More importantly, I've been made to feel that despite me genuinely trying to help out, I'm the insensitive guy for keeping quiet, not showing my annoyance to her client. I should have been the more supportive "it's okay, at least you've gotten the checks..." Type of boyfriend she says. PS: before she stormed out of the car to meet her client, I wasn't even sure if he had the checks on hand or whatnot. In retrospect, I wasn't even 15 minute mongering whether he'd be there on time in which he was late still, but not...

It's a most painful thought to have as your own. Deep inescapable pain was once the apex of this dangerous feeling but now that it has stopped raging, lobotomized nothing simply remains. What empty existence this is. Passionate pursuits dashed and destroyed. Carcass of failures piled sky high, one atop the other. Revisiting the horrors of these memories to try to learn to undue the mistakes made is so perilous as it triggers a relapse of depression, anxiety, remorse and guilt. Some things you rise above from, some you have to learn to forget. And forget it has been. For the heart that once fought so fiercely and passionately cannot continue it's valiant but futile pursuit. Without heart, what then is left to pursue?

Signs of life. Life I'm tbh not grateful for. But I am. Hollow but alive.

Welcome to my comedy show, the bitter christian. That's meee! So, may mga born again christian ba dito? Ccf? Gcf? Victory? Praise God. *lights cig* O, bakit ganyan reaction nyo? Di naman kayo born again diba? You will go to hell. Narinig nyo naman yung John 3:16 diba? Bat di kayo nanampalataya? *raises cig for effect* eto? Nakaquit na nga ako 6 months nag backslide lang ako. Besides saved na ako. Christian pa rin ako pero iba-iba ang yokes na we carry. Eto yung akin. At least eto lang, sana wag pa madagdagan. Lord I'm waiting for help parin give me the strength ulit. Eh yung iba nga jan eh huma hashtag blezzed sponsored naman yung gamit. Di lang LV Balenciaga for the gerls, pati rubber shuz yezzy sponsored rin ng mga bise, foul - counted. Pogi ako. Wala naman chicks. Wala akong God's best. Sa kasamaang palad, speaking of which palad. The left. Yung pinang shake hands ko kanina sayo sorry naman. Pag christian, hassle yan kasi ang iPhone mo sigurado may bible app pero...

Holding back with walking with her to her car. A casual salute instead of a lingering beso to say goodbye. Less charming jokes. Less complementing how gorgeous she truly looks. It's natural for any species to put on their best foot forward. To appear far more dangerous, a cobra extends neck flaps while rising high above ground. A peacock fans it's tail feathers to dazzle its potential mate. A douchebag acts as if he cares so he can sleaze his way into damp panties. Such is the evolutionary world. Our survival depends on it. Yet the species with far more advanced language, it's female branch, regularly complain about being duped by this spectacle of best foot forward. Their words form menacing sentences describing to their co females how deviously toyed with they were. They rant that had they known yada yada yada... They wouldn't have yada yada yada.... Mostly panties related conversations. If the premise that we as a species have advanced far beyond our primitive ...

My lower legs are tight and sore. So are my forearms. My back feels a bit stiff and constantly nags for it be stretched. Went to my "dojo" for Tues Muay Thai class only to find out that the schedules have changed since January. An hour later I'm practicing Jiu jitsu. I'm wearing a liga basketball jersey and fvckn board shorts. 6 of them in Gi's. Nearly pulled an armbar against my spar mate though. Bwhahahaha! It's 3am and I've been in bed for at least 3 hours already. Funny how just the other day I slept at around 140ish because I was having a SMS convo about how I defeated insomnia years ago. My ego won a pissing contest that puts me to quick sleep. Dork. Haha. Strategy 2 is to go with the "fvck it, don't sleep" till 4 or 5. Between picking up the sixaxis and hemingway-ing, trying to be intellihente, this piece of shit write up appears. Dammit I'm still trying to understand why I can't sleep right now! There's no point in r...

Reading through one's thoughts through digital pen and paper is um, perplex? ingly? different from my usual method of magical discovery via conversation. It's quite the surreal imagery of having your mind paint the words and recreate the stories from a first person perspective and then have that person squarely in front of your face. I write too, obviously, but find it -ah, the word! -puzzling- to find the author of these raw musings, at a loss for words other than eg: "did I write that? Really, I went there na before?" Lapses by choice or something else? Of course I did want to probe deeper via convo... But it felt that the prudent next step is to let things unravel on it's own. "Things" meaning... On second thought, means quite a lot, I suspect. It's not a critique or an autolabel for something bad. Bad things happen to good people. It's really just that... After the onset of one's birthday, taking the long stride isn't very fash...

I've been warned of this by Liz, my good christian friend. But she used it in a different context in a sense. It was about how lost Moses was that it took 40 years for the Israelites to make it to the promised land. How I seem to remember it that he insisted his way, hence they took that long to get to their destination. Peter Tanchi nailed it in the message I listened to earlier. The low resolution YouTube video from 4 years ago talked about overcoming depression. This video popped out from nowhere and the date of it's upload, sept 11 or 14 was mindblowing. It really seemed like God's hand was moving in miraculous ways. Peter narrates and portrays Moses in a bitxhing manner while he was talking to God while leading the Israelites. Moses, consumed with frustration was telling God that he can't stand the stubbornness of His people no longer. That God just kill him instead. I started balling. I was balling hard. Snot was jamming up my nose and my tears were intense....

"You're so beautiful, you can have any guy in the world. The guy who gets to keep you is one lucky guy. I'm so fvckn jealous of him right now!" "Stranger things, you have to see it, it's not scary but it's... It's nice you gotta watch it." "Why is your boyfriend like that? Isn't he supposed to take care of you not just now, but in the long term too? What's he thinking?" Notorious lines when executed by a seasoned douche, results in a 100 percent kill rate. It's been done to me. I've seen these disposable daggers used once too many. They are highly concealed, extremely easy to use and leaves a slow creep poison that creates doubt in even the strongest of relationships. I don't have respect for those who use this cheap and vile weapon. It's a fucking cheat code. I tend to lose respect for a person that falls for attacks like these. These daggers are the destroyers of relationships. Those who use it recogn...

Husbands love your wives. Wives respect your husbands. I'm no husband yet but yet, I do love my (hopefully) future wife. Yet I feel she doesn't respect me. Flirt and break up at the signs of impending troubles that naturally finds it way in relationships. I wanted to call her today. I reviewed the things I can and shouldn't say. Carried convos with friends and family regarding the tone of what we'll talk about, tone being: what made us great together. About just checking up on how she is on her end, millions of miles from where am right now. I felt the timing is necessary, it isn't too late in the week to reach out nor it's too early to not let her have her thoughts to herself. I prayed before taking a nap so I can rest and won't be sleepy when we talk at odd hours, manila time. Half awake and what felt like God taking to me in prayer, the message is this: "Don't call her na. Your relying on your theories and all that you know again. You've ...

Fear attacks in the shadows. And this attack came if form of a video made by one of his pawns. Buried in this FB video is fear's pawn saying "and I get to spend time with the person I really admire". Amiela believes that this guy is just a nice guy. I know its more than that. I know their kind all too well. That tactic is to solidify its stranglehold on Amiela. The scorched earth. By placing his pawn closer to her, any attempt I make becomes useless in the eyes of Amiela. My rescue move too little too late. It was a dagger straight to my heart. I know how effective that move is. I've seen it done countless times before. She will be tagged of that video and she will reply favorably to it. I had to disassociate my hatred of this person and realign it as what it really is: a strategic move by my enemy. I cannot stay idle and watch as this move unfolds. I talk to my mom to make abundantly clear: the urgency of my plans. That there is no purpose in delay in them. Tha...

Today I asses my inventory. What weapons do I possess to destroy this demon. It actually has a description, a real world figure. 200k. 200k per month. 200k per month income. That is it's "power level". Why 200k? As per Amiela, (I kinda agree too), this monthly amount affords us frequent travels to Europe, a beautiful house, my vintage cars and daily drivers, the best education money can buy. It buys a better life. That's how Amiela's monster presents itself to be. Destroy this number and this monster motherfucking dies. To prepare, I had to evaluate the performance of my little but growing empire. What riches has my Airbnb venture brought me? Can you guess it? A paltry 3750 pesos a month on top of my net salary of 20k monthly. Oh also computed this too, i buy 2 pack of cigs @ 100 bucks a day. 30 days of that shit is 3000. Mother-fucking-shit.  And now in full, hyper real imagery I just saw how unfathomably huge a monster this fucker really is. 200k/mo sal...